Bonjour ma famille

Bonjour mes petites pallies!!!



So I want to start off by saying we only get 30 minutes on email.  In fact, there is a little timer in the corner, and it shuts off after 30 minutes.  I feel like I'm on a game show....



AH le MTC.  It's a different place, that's for sure, and I mean that in a good way.  But my first day was literally a headache.  I got there earlier than I should have, so they took me to the "early arrivals" room.  I was the only sister, and it was kinda weird because I'm used to being around boys and talking to them.  They were not so sure what to do with ME, however, so I was placed in a corner by myself.  After a while a Samoan sister showed up, and I was no longer alone.  MAIS-- there was ONE elder that I had a class with at BYUI!!  How chouette is that???  Class that first day was a tough monkey too because I was running on about two hours of sleep, and all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep.  No such luck.  I met ma tres cher collegue (my dear companion) at class, and the rest of my district.  Our district is composed of 9 missionaires, which is apparently a large district.  Tous les missionaires vont aller (are going) a France-- there are four, including me, going to Paris, and five going to toulouse.  The elders going to my mission... well, let me start with ma favorite (not.).



Il y a (there is) an elder who thinks he is la Shiz.  No joke.  Took a giant semester full of French and now thinks he is AWESOME!!!!  Yeah, maybe he is.  But I have a hard time getting past his giant ego to really get to know him.  Actually, he must be a decent man because he is now (joy) my District leader.  But I've decided I will never criticize his leading skills.  We're all inexperienced, and he was called to that position.  He corrects to prove he is right, but not out of love.  And he's wrong half the time.  Honest.  He made this big deal out of our pronunciation of our purpose.  For those who speak french (Comme Scott) you will get this.  He says "EEnveetay" pour "inviter" and "SANE" pour "Saint" et "FEEEN" pour "fin".  Honest?  Got on our cases for not saying those words that way.  Well, I leaned over to my companion and said (because I was still at a point where I wanted to just let him be the teacher and I'll be the humble student) and said, quietly "I'm not sure that's how you say those words.  I think you say it "anveetay" and "sannn"  and "fan"."  She said "I don't know."  So I said, "me either."  Well, our real teacher came back after our personal study and heard us using this elder's pronunciation.  He swiftly corrected us.  Guess I was right.  Huh.  BUT-- and this is for Mom-- I did not say "HA!" or "I TOLD YOU SO!".  I just turned to an elder next to me and said, "did you catch that?  Is that how we pronounce that?"  So I'm pretty sure this elder is going to keep me on my toes.  I no longer worry about being the know-it-all, because all I have to do is observe this elder and NOT do what he's doing.



There's another elder that has taken it upon himself to be chums avec les soeurs.  Why?  His companion is a lot less mature than him.  The first day of class, all he could do was look shocked at what his companion had to say.  But I've noticed, now that they sit next to les soeurs, all is well.  Je pense it's because we encourage his companion to be less of the world and a little more mature.  He treats us with such respect, and we weren't even trying to help him.  I guess that's just how our district works.  BUT-- I must say this "worldly" companion has serious strong points.  When he focuses, he makes the most amazing comments, and can lead any conversation with an "investigator" to the gospel.  What a skill!!  I think I admire it so much because I do not posses it.  Which leads me to my next topic:



I always thought I was a people person, but I've found it tres difficult to speak with investigators, and not just en francais.  I am so very humbled by this inability to take conversations from the person to the gospel.  I also seem to have lost the ability to truly talk about a person.  This skill has been in my prayers lately.



Everyone talks about the spirit being here, but it took me a few days to notice the specific way in which I've been blessed here.  I realized yesterday that my mind hasn't wandered one bit, and I mean not one bit.  When it does go from the topic at hand, it strays to other missionary topics.  To some, it may seem like "duh."  But pour moi-- c'est merveilleux.  I have NEVER been able to focus like this.  Ever.  What a BLESSING it has been!  THere are so many things I've done that I've never been able to do.  Like stay completely awake during class, and loving roommates that are especially grating on my nerves.  Thank heavens, and I mean that in the most literal sense.



TORI-  thanks for the letter.  You are getting one from me this week.



Mere et Pere: you also are getting letters.



BETH: don't worry, I won't let the elders push me around.  I also won't let myself push them around.  and I see BREE every SINGLE NIGHT!!!  I lovvvee it!!



My time is up.



Au revoir.



Je vous aime.



Soeur Barros



PS-- I'll have photos next week, but I forgot my camera today.

We are 4-Square champions.

Signing off...

It's here.  It really is here.  Scared?  Sorta.  Excited? Not yet (for France, I mean.  It's another two months until I'm there...).  In denial?

Totally.

BUT- I am packed.

I think I shall leave my blog with this message:

I know the church is true.  I know it.  It's no longer belief for me, because it is knowledge.  I know that Christ is my redeemer and lives today.  I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, and has restored the true church on the earth in these latter days.  And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the Book of Mormon is true.  And I love it.

Don't cry for me, friends and family.  The truth is I'll never leave you.  All through my wild days, my mad existence.... I'll keep my promise to serve well and worthily.  Don't keep your distance.

Mailing addresses:

Sister Kacey Kathleen Barros

MTC Mailbox # 85
FRA-PAR 0525
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604-1793


I'm pretty sure I'll be there for eight or nine weeks.

When I get to France, this will be my mailing address:

Soeur Kacey Barros
France Paris Mission

23, Rue du Onze Novembre
F-78110 Le Vesinet
France



Have I said too much?

There's nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true


Adieu.

(PS- ten points to whomever can name which musical I've been quoting....)

How can there be any sin in sincere?

How do i leave my family for 18 months? It hits me every day now. I want to serve a mission with all my heart. But i already miss my mom, my dad, my sisters, and my brothers. How do i do it? I don't know. 

I must have faith.  They'll be fine-- they've sent out missionaries before!  And it's not like I'm gallavanting through europe-- no.  I'm serving the Lord.  He will help me get past this little tiff.

Okay.  I feel better now.

I married a God....

Not really.  But kind of...  I promise to explain later....

My long time bishop of the Valentine ward was released last week at Stake Conference.  This bishop kicked me out of the ward (I was 17), then asked me to come back (they needed an organist), told me I was too young to get married (when I was 18 and just starting to date Ben-- he told me to wait untill at least 18 1/2), congradulated me when I got engaged and endorsed it with his personal approval (the wedding date was just past my 18 1/2 mark), defended me to my fiance when he wanted to call it off, and cried with me when it all fell to pieces.  He helped me go to the temple, loved me, and supported me in everything.  And now, his life moves on.  I'm sad, yes, but I'm also glad.  Life cannot stay the same, or it's not life.  But that's just my opinion.  He's now in the Stake Presidency.  President Perkins will be amazing, I'm sure.

Today he was officially released in our ward.  We had a huge turnout, and I'm pretty sure our ward clerk hoped today was a counting day.  People who weren't in the ward anymore for whatever reason showed up.  I didn't see him first.  Tori did.

"Kacey.  Ben's here."
"Ben...?  Oh.  Ben Ben?"
"Yeah."
"I don't see him... oh wait.  I do."

The entire Pitman clan was there, along with my beautiful almost-nephew Mitchell and his new(ish) little brother.  Oh he is SOOO grown up!  I saw the people I once loved as my own, sitting there without me.  I didn't get immediately sad, but the more I watched them, the more I remembered the good times I had with them.  How amazingly sweet David and Hillari are.  Early in the engagement, Dave called me, teased me about the last name I was going to take on, and then told me how happy his brother was.  And if I could make Ben that happy, then Dave welcomes me into the family.  How Hillari told me stories about Ben, and how much she loved this family, inviting us over for dinner.  How Mary was sweet and inviting, paying for me to fly to Boston for Mark's wedding.  How she and Grandma Mary cried at my Bridal Shower because they were so happy for Ben. 

The Pitmans may have their faults, and some of them are more apparent than others.  But nothing can be said to disuade me from their amazing qualities.  I still love them.

So that made me sad.  And remembering them reminded me of Ben.  And the good things about him.
He's a good man.  He's the only relationship I've had with a man that made me improve my standards, and actually live up to them.  He held me accountable for my actions, though sometimes it went too far (which is one of the reasons I'm glad we never married).  He loved to laugh, and was never afraid to laugh loud.  He stood up for what he believed in, even to his Mormon peers, which is something I always find hard.  He loved me.  He planned an extensive proposal, but wanted to be engaged so much that he just asked me.  Three weeks before he was going to.  He included me in many decisions.  He was a good man, and would have been a good husband.

Of course he had his faults, but that's not the point of this post.  If we dated again, we would never make it.  I'm a different person now and wouldn't stand for half of what he would say to me.  No one could make me feel ashamed for my concern anymore.  Now I would never allow my fiance to hide things about his health from me, two weeks before the wedding.  And now I would... no.  I'd still fight for him.  If I loved a man enough to say yes to his proposal, and I knew it was approved by God, then I would fight him like I did Ben.  I did NOT go out without a fight.  And you know what?  I like that about me. 

He was a good man.  I would highly reccomend him to anyone.  But not to date-- he's still got committment issues, and it's far to easy to fall in love with this man.




But that's not the God I was talking about.  Last night I dreamt that I married a God.  Greek-God type God.  We even had our own versioun of hades.  I thought it rocked.  But I had very little power.  I mean, being a God-in-law was pretty limiting.  I loved it, though.  Something about this dream made me think about the post-mortal existence.  I got very excited.  I mean, have you ever thought what your role as a Heavenly Mother will be?  (If you're women that is; don't you men worry about being Heavenly Mother's).  I don't mean to wax philosphical or go into dangerous doctrine territory.  But sometimes you wonder... ya know?

Okay.  Well.  C'est tout- for now.

Ma vie... ah how boring it is...

No seriously.  I attempt to blog quite frequently.  But everytime I come on, I choke.  What has happened in my life that is worth mentioning?  Not much.  Just a few lessons I guess.

Lesson Number One:  Gossips are very bored people.  I am a very bored person.  I've been caught on more than one occasion spreading stories about people, no matter how true, that really aren't my business, or were told in confidence.  It's been my sister and my mom that catch me.  Now that they've pointed it out enough times, I catch myself.  Why do I tell these stories (which aren't bad stories, but still gossip.  Right?  I think so)?  Because I'm bored with my own life.  So hear this and know: gossips lead very boring lives.

Lesson Number 2:  It's when I have tons of time that I really don't have time.  I hate that about myself.  If I have a very short list of things to do, I don't do it.  Sad.  BUT!  I have discovered that if I write a list down I'm more likely to get it done.  In fact, lists have worked very well for me.  When I went to Grandma's to work this last week, we had a list, and thank goodness for it!  I actually got stuff done without dawdling!

Lesson Number 3:  I'm growing up.  WOW.   I don't say this to be proud or in your face, but I do want to show the small miracles in my life.  I know that some of these may not seem like miracles to you, but I promise they are miracles to me.
             Miracle 1) My favorite pet sin holds very little temptation for me anymore.  I've been presented with multiple opportunities to take part in this sin, but have easily resisted.  Okay, not every time was easy.  But it's getting easier.  And I'm proud of that.
             Miracle 2) I had an immense spiritual experience in an interview with my bishop and have felt no need to justify it to anyone.  This miracle has to do with my decision about when to enter The Lord's House and make sacred covenants.  I don't know why it had to happen this way at this time, but I know that I've learned to see the Lord's will, even if I don't want to :).  But this whole situation about when I should go to the temple has been very charged in my life.  It's not the people closest to me that have been on my case-- they've either been very understanding or very closed-mouthed about it; either way I appreciate it.  But I've been telling those people who push me to do things their way or on their time-table that it's my decision and I'll do it when I feel it's right.  Many of you know how outspoken I am so this may not be a miracle to you.  But I must say, this whole situation has caused me more tears than most guys.  It's been stressfull and pressured and ridiculous.  For no good reason other than I forgot about who's will I should be concerned with. 

Lesson Number 4: Knowing your weaknesses is not a bad thing.  Didn't the Lord say "Come unto me and I will show unto [you] [your] weaknesses"?  I get down on myself and my inability to resist certain sins.  I've begun avoiding certain situations entirely.  At first it made me sad that I had to do that.  But then-- wow.  I realized, through yet another profound experience, that it takes strength to avoid those things.  If I know my limits, then I am being wise in avoiding those fine lines. 


Okay.  Enough preaching.  I'll save the rest of my sermons for the French. 

and the rangers scream out to the cabins

they are the hunters, we are the rabbits...



I started out with the intent to write yet another dream of mine.  But I realized that most of my posts here are about my dreams.  Maybe it's because I'm a psych major?  But dreams have always played an important role in my life, mostly because I take them far too seriously.  Or possibly because I've spent my life in the clouds, dreaming my life away.  Ha ha, no more time for dreams, kiddies.  Real life problems are about to hit.  

I mean, I'm going to France, FRANCE for crying outloud!  What a dream come true!  Apparently dreams come with a Real Life cost: this time it's both spiritual and literally temporal.  For example:  I have spent soooo much money on clothes for my mission.  Right now, the tally is at... let me do some quick math... $300?  I think that's how much.  Plus another fifty that I've spent on supplies and Visa stuff, and guess what?  I haven't even made a dent in that list.  Gag. 

Spiritual costs?  Well I had to give up some pet sins.  I realized, because of a dream thank-you-very-much, that without even noticing I'd given up a very special sin for me.  It's one I've been rationalizing for years and years.  It's never done me a ton of harm, but it has definitely done me no good.  And if you're not fighting for the right, then you're aiding the wrong.  Does that make sense?  I've also given up certain preconceptions I've had of myself and what my life is going to be like.  Strange how that realization just came upon me.  I'm a planner gosh-darn-it, and nothing was working how I planned!  Everything's working out well, mind you, but not how I planned.  I think I should get used to that....



I'm still going to tell you a little about my dreams.  They've been based on some of my fave TV shows, sadly.  The first one was Leverage-- oh man, this one just makes me blush.  So I personally think the character Elliot is the cutest (just cut your girlie hair, silly man!), and so of course he was the star of my dream.  I was busy doing other things like taking care of my twin boys (I was an unwed mother, but I'm not sure why-- you know how when you dream, some things just aren't imporant?  that was one of those things-- but Eliot showed up with the rest of the crew.  I was tired of washing dishes and walked over to him and blatently flirted.  Now here's the saddest saddo part of it all: I got really excited about flirting.   
Honest.
I haven't flirted in so long, I got a kick out of doing it in my dream!!  SAD!!  I've a feeling this is how my dreams will be in the mission.  Hahahahaha!

The next dream was about Bones.  Once again an unwed mother, and once again it didn't matter why I was, I went shopping with my daughter and our fish george.  She carried him around in a peanutbutter jar.  She had down syndrome, so everyone was like "eh, whatever.  She has a fish in a jar."  But she was looking for Hodgins.  He was her favorite.  She wanted to give Hodgins her fish.  Apparently, I worked with Hodgins which is how she knew him.  He kind of blew us off for his girlfriend, and that made me mad.  Like, mamma bear mad.  I marched over to him and used my jedi skills (haha-- seriously) to lift his sorry butt in the air and make him know how much my little girl wanted to talk to him and loved him and he better appreciate it or I would seriously maim him.
Don't know what the point of that dream was, but I wanted to share.


Well, thanks for listening.





Maybe we don't want to be found....

Ma vie en rose

We had to learn that song in one of my French classes.  I only remember little snibbits of it, so I obviously didn't learn it very well.  But I find myself humming it whenever I think about France.  A la vie du francais!!  My life with rose colored glasses!

Ha.  I don't think I've ever worn rose colored glasses.

I kinda want some now.


I bought my first pair of mission shoes.  I went to the store looking for tennis shoes because they're on my list of things I need to bring and I haven't bought tennis shoes since I was like 11.  Honest.  And the ones I wear now?  I've had since I was 14 or 15 and those I stole from my mom who bought them at Goodwill.  You see my dilemma.  So after a morning of filling orders at the Bishop's Storehouse (Mom said if we didn't get jobs, we could work at home if we volunteered.  Bully,), Cathy (one of my friends who's an RM) Tori and I went to Marshalls hoping to find some tennis shoes for me and a bag for Tori.  Instead we found lovely black comfy mission shooes.  I got very excited and tried to carry them around the store. 

People have started asking me when I'm going through the temple.  I tell them I don't know yet.  Because I really don't, not a specific day anyway.  I know when my bishop and I are meeting to get a reccomend, but that's all.  But here's the point of this:  I'm not going to tell people when I go.  I really don't want people to come to the session.  I'm telling my mom and my dad, and probably my brother and his wife.  At least, that's the plan.  But I don't want anyone else to come.  It's not a family party.  I don't want to worry about all the people there for me.  I know they love me and want to show their support and take part in this special and amazing experience.  The thing is, I like sacred experiences to be private.  Barely a year ago I started sharing personal experiences with other people, and even then it was usually in private.  That's just how I am.  I like to keep sacred things to myself.  Is that terrible?  I don't think so.

Anyway.


I decided to show you all the French national anthem, called La Marseillaise.  And the english translation of the lyrics.  I think it's kind of intense and a little scary.  Cool, right?



Arise children of the fatherland

The day of glory has arrived
Against us tyranny's
Bloody standard is raised
Listen to the sound in the fields
The howling of these fearsome soldiers
They are coming into our midst
To cut the throats of your sons and consorts

To arms citizens Form your battalions
March, march
Let impure blood
Water our furrows


What do they want this horde of slaves
Of traitors and conspiratorial kings?
For whom these vile chains
These long-prepared irons?
Frenchmen, for us, ah! What outrage
What methods must be taken?
It is us they dare plan
To return to the old slavery!

What! These foreign cohorts!
They would make laws in our courts!
What! These mercenary phalanxes
Would cut down our warrior sons
Good Lord! By chained hands
Our brow would yield under the yoke
The vile despots would have themselves be
The masters of destiny


Tremble, tyrants and traitors
The shame of all good men
Tremble! Your parricidal schemes
Will receive their just reward
Against you we are all soldiers
If they fall, our young heros
France will bear new ones
Ready to join the fight against you


Frenchmen, as magnanimous warriors
Bear or hold back your blows
Spare these sad victims
That they regret taking up arms against us
But not these bloody despots
These accomplices of Bouillé
All these tigers who pitilessly
Ripped out their mothers' wombs


We too shall enlist
When our elders' time has come
To add to the list of deeds
Inscribed upon their tombs
We are much less jealous of surviving them
Than of sharing their coffins
We shall have the sublime pride
Of avenging or joining them


Drive on sacred patriotism
Support our avenging arms
Liberty, cherished liberty
Join the struggle with your defenders
Under our flags, let victory
Hurry to your manly tone
So that in death your enemies
See your triumph and our glory!