So. A few thoughts for this week.
No, Felipe and I aren't dating anymore. Let me just throw that one out there. It's not that I'm tired of people asking. I'm mostly tired of people asking where Felipe is. Not in a like suspicious where's your boyfriend way. They're just used to seeing me alone at activities and knowing his whereabouts. Red flag anyone? I didn't think so... speaking of red flags... wait, let's not get there yet.
I respect Felipe for being honest with me and not delaying it once he figured it out. I'd love to say that it surprised me. On one level it did, but mostly... it did not. I never felt like he really invested emotion into me. Not really. To the best of his ability, yes, but... well, like most men that I date, he seems a bit emotionally unavailable. I'm not making this up to make myself feel better. I've just learned to recognize it in hindsight. Also, I had some help from my resident marriage counselor/ bishopric counselor Brother Haines.
I sat him down yesterday. On Saturday he saw me and knew immediately that I'd broken up with Felipe. So I figured he was perceptive enough to help me with my question: Why is it that the really really good guys that I date say "You're an amazing person, and I don't know why, but I'm not falling in love with you." I have a fatty list of men who were less than acceptable that wanted to marry me. So when I date men of high caliber, dedicated to God and the gospel, why do they not fall in love with me.
"Am I shooting to high? Do I need to date men who aren't as dedicated to the gospel as I am?" I asked Brother Haines.
"No, don't do that. I don't think that's your problem."
After much discussion, here are some things he pointed out and I realized:
1) There are some things that occur in my parents' relationship that bring me comfort in my own dating life. Though that isn't necessarily bad, some of those things are really bad for me. Things that hurt me. Like emotional distance. I sometimes rationalize away my boyfriends that are emotionally unavailable because their behavior mimics my dad's... however, my dad isn't emotionally distant from me (anymore). So it creates a false sense of security. Bienvenue chez Felipe.
2) Though I initially shy away from men who remind me of Ben Pitman, once in a relationship with them, I find comfort in the similarities. I decided yesterday that in some way, that comfort stems from my desire to go back and fix what happened between us. Though there is not a SINGLE thing I could do to fix that situation, if one emotionally distant man would fall in love with me and marry me, then it would "dispell" all my insecurities from that experience. Well, probably not really, but subconciously that's what I feel. Isn't that soooo INTERESTING???? Brother Haines found my deduction interesting and said that now that I'm aware, then it will be easier to avoid.
3) I was always bugged by some of the things Felipe said or did, but didn't know why. Until this weekend. Here's an example of something that bothered me: He never once said, "Kacey, you're amazing," or "You're wonderful," or "you're great." It was always, "Kacey, you're an amazing person," or "you're a wonderful person," or "You're a great girl."
Can you see the difference? It's completely detached! By not saying things directly and specifically about me to me, it kept a HUGE emotional distance between us.
THAT DRIVES ME BONKERS!
So Brother Haines gave me the challenge to pay attention to how people say things and not what they're saying exactly. Does how they say something show a controlling person? An emotionally distant one? Or maybe someone who seeks closeness as much as I do?
And that was the most profound discovery of them all yesterday: "Kacey, you need someone who can be as emotionally close and intimate as you can be. And your kids need that too. Remember, you're picking for them too."
So, moral of the story is: I've GOT to find a man who is emtionally available. One who wants to, and CAN be, as emotionally close as I can/am.
Maybe this all sounds cray cray. Oh well. I thought it was very eye opening. And it makes me feel better about not being with Felipe anymore. Though I love him, and he is wonderful, he isn't able to be what I need. And vice versa, I'm sure. I'm not perfect.
On other notes, I miss Texas and boy-o's sooo much! Payton, I wish you could come over and play with my dog! And Derek, I keep the acorn you gave me in my pocket. It's my little talisman at work.
And yes.
I'm not so secretly in love with Colin Morgan.
Especially when he uses his real accent.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
If a dream is a wish your heart makes, what's a nightmare?
I've had two very vivid nightmares this week about the musical that I'm in. The first nightmare was that during one of our rehearsals an alien invasion occurred. We had to try and escape by pretending to be one of them (I know, super original). We joined a wagon train of circus preformers and then got hearded into the woods. I was in a small cabin packed with people. I knew that if we followed their instructions they would leave us alone. The only problem was that one of my guys from work, who refuses to listen to ANY instructions, was there. I kept trying to get him to stay in the room so the aliens wouldn't blow us to smithereens. It didn't work. I woke up.
The next nightmare was... wednesday night? Yeah. I dreamt that Chelsea was tired of some people showing up for some rehearsals but not all of them, so she said that the entire cast would run the entire show every night. It was miserable. Then more people dropped out, so I had to do a waltz with Brother Haines and then a ballet number with Roshanak. Everyone had great costumes but me. In fact, there was this great balliwood number than Chelsea decided to add in and their costumes were PHENOMENAL! I was so jealous. That is until one of the married cast members brought her children to practice and ravens came down and tried to eat her baby. Super scary, right? I was wigged out.
So, Chelsea. I don't hate the play. I apparently worry that it will attract aliens and scary birds. And please don't make me do a waltz with Brother Haines.
The next nightmare was... wednesday night? Yeah. I dreamt that Chelsea was tired of some people showing up for some rehearsals but not all of them, so she said that the entire cast would run the entire show every night. It was miserable. Then more people dropped out, so I had to do a waltz with Brother Haines and then a ballet number with Roshanak. Everyone had great costumes but me. In fact, there was this great balliwood number than Chelsea decided to add in and their costumes were PHENOMENAL! I was so jealous. That is until one of the married cast members brought her children to practice and ravens came down and tried to eat her baby. Super scary, right? I was wigged out.
So, Chelsea. I don't hate the play. I apparently worry that it will attract aliens and scary birds. And please don't make me do a waltz with Brother Haines.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I'm not dead...
Apparently Mom tried to call me like three times since Christmas. It wasn't until Sunday night that I actually saw that I received a call from her. Yeah. My phone hates me. Felipe's phone hates me too... at least I used to think so. I'm starting to believe that it's all my phone's fault... for example, he won't get half my texts. Here's a story from Sunday night that illustrates that perfectly:
My toothache was at its worst. I was bawling, almost drowning out the neices' bawling in the room next to mine. Dustin and Tara tried to figure out some remedies, when I text Felipe "Do you have consecrated oil?" I HATE asking for blessings. And Felipe was in a meeting, so I hate texting him while he's busy. I don't know why, I just do. Dustin didn't have any oil, and I knew that in a desperate situation he could give me a blessing without it. But Felipe promptly texted back, "Yes I do." I sent him a text saying that I needed a blessing ASAP because I was in terrible pain and none of the medication I'd downed was helping. Twenty minutes later, I was still waiting for a reply. I start crying for a whole new reason thinking I've somehow offended him by asking for a blessing and I'm so stupid and my prayers should be enough and blah blah blah. Despair. It's amazing how quickly I reach that point when I'm in massive pain. Anyway, the stuff Dustin got me started helping so I text him and say "never mind. It's going to be fine." Fifteen minutes after that I get a call from Felipe. In a cheerful voice he says, "SO who needs the oil?"
"Are you serious?"
"Uhhh, yes...."
"I did."
"You?"
"You didn't get my texts did you..."
"Nope..."
Yeah. I'm starting to think it's my phone that's defective. The moral of the story is, if it's an emergency, even if he's in a meeting, I'm supposed to call him if I need a blessing. He says no matter what. Okay. Lesson learned. Never trust the phone.
Funny story though, Clove oil was the thing that made my excruciating pain go away. I tried major pain killers, including benzocaine (liquid orajel). But onle eugenol (a.k.a clove oil) did anything significant. I'm all for trying natural things. But holy moley, I never expected an oil to help that much that instantly! This does explain, however, why I think that cloves taste like the dentist.
Hahahaha, our dog totes licked my plate of crush cloves. We know because he had this aweful look of horrer on his face as he stuck his tongue out like fifty times. Serves him right for getting on the counter and trying to steal food.
Life is good right now. I'm trying to improve my relationships with those at work. I'm also trying to have more charity. Gosh, for someone who loves to love people, I have a seriously hard time being charitable with those I see on a regular basis.
AND OH EM GEE! I'm leaving for Texas in a WEEK!!! WHO'S EXCITED???? I'M EXCITED!!!!!!!!
Oh, here's another funny story from this week. I've been posting pictures of opal engagement rings (anyone who knows me knows that I don't want a diamond, I want an opal) on pinterest. Mom told Dad. She said he had a small heart attack. She waited a bit before she told him, "Allan. Don't worry. She's done this a couple times before."
"Mom. You know I've been doing this since my engagement broke off. I told myself I'd never settle for a ring I hate again."
"Oh I know," she said slyly. "But don't tell Dad that..."
No, I'm not engaged. Felipe and I have not talked about marriage. I just don't want to be surprised with a ring that I don't like again. In fact yesterday I told Felipe that if we got engaged not to get me a ring; I wanna help pick that out. Instead, I said "Get me a Portuguese grammar book. That'll show that you REALLY want me around for eternity." He laughed. I looked at him seriously and said, "No. Really. I want to help pick it out. If I have to buy it myself to get the ring I want, so be it. Get me the text book."
Anyway. Lunch is almost over. I'd better be off.
Au revoir!
My toothache was at its worst. I was bawling, almost drowning out the neices' bawling in the room next to mine. Dustin and Tara tried to figure out some remedies, when I text Felipe "Do you have consecrated oil?" I HATE asking for blessings. And Felipe was in a meeting, so I hate texting him while he's busy. I don't know why, I just do. Dustin didn't have any oil, and I knew that in a desperate situation he could give me a blessing without it. But Felipe promptly texted back, "Yes I do." I sent him a text saying that I needed a blessing ASAP because I was in terrible pain and none of the medication I'd downed was helping. Twenty minutes later, I was still waiting for a reply. I start crying for a whole new reason thinking I've somehow offended him by asking for a blessing and I'm so stupid and my prayers should be enough and blah blah blah. Despair. It's amazing how quickly I reach that point when I'm in massive pain. Anyway, the stuff Dustin got me started helping so I text him and say "never mind. It's going to be fine." Fifteen minutes after that I get a call from Felipe. In a cheerful voice he says, "SO who needs the oil?"
"Are you serious?"
"Uhhh, yes...."
"I did."
"You?"
"You didn't get my texts did you..."
"Nope..."
Yeah. I'm starting to think it's my phone that's defective. The moral of the story is, if it's an emergency, even if he's in a meeting, I'm supposed to call him if I need a blessing. He says no matter what. Okay. Lesson learned. Never trust the phone.
Funny story though, Clove oil was the thing that made my excruciating pain go away. I tried major pain killers, including benzocaine (liquid orajel). But onle eugenol (a.k.a clove oil) did anything significant. I'm all for trying natural things. But holy moley, I never expected an oil to help that much that instantly! This does explain, however, why I think that cloves taste like the dentist.
Hahahaha, our dog totes licked my plate of crush cloves. We know because he had this aweful look of horrer on his face as he stuck his tongue out like fifty times. Serves him right for getting on the counter and trying to steal food.
Life is good right now. I'm trying to improve my relationships with those at work. I'm also trying to have more charity. Gosh, for someone who loves to love people, I have a seriously hard time being charitable with those I see on a regular basis.
AND OH EM GEE! I'm leaving for Texas in a WEEK!!! WHO'S EXCITED???? I'M EXCITED!!!!!!!!
Oh, here's another funny story from this week. I've been posting pictures of opal engagement rings (anyone who knows me knows that I don't want a diamond, I want an opal) on pinterest. Mom told Dad. She said he had a small heart attack. She waited a bit before she told him, "Allan. Don't worry. She's done this a couple times before."
"Mom. You know I've been doing this since my engagement broke off. I told myself I'd never settle for a ring I hate again."
"Oh I know," she said slyly. "But don't tell Dad that..."
No, I'm not engaged. Felipe and I have not talked about marriage. I just don't want to be surprised with a ring that I don't like again. In fact yesterday I told Felipe that if we got engaged not to get me a ring; I wanna help pick that out. Instead, I said "Get me a Portuguese grammar book. That'll show that you REALLY want me around for eternity." He laughed. I looked at him seriously and said, "No. Really. I want to help pick it out. If I have to buy it myself to get the ring I want, so be it. Get me the text book."
Anyway. Lunch is almost over. I'd better be off.
Au revoir!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Magnificent Magnets and Scary Slacklining
"Kacey. This is Joanne. Tom's mom."
Tom's mom? She never calls in...
"Hi, Joanna! What can I do for you?"
"What happened yesterday?"
"What?"
"What happened yesterday? Tim had tears in his eyes, crying until he fell asleep that he didn't get to see you yesterday."
"He did get to see me. I didn't spend all day with him, I have other people that I needed to take care of, but he saw me for quite a bit of time."
"Well why is he so upset?"
"Joanna, I have no idea."
"I don't want him coming home upset."
"I'll do my best to make sure he gets all the time he needs."
"Thank you."
click!
Cassie walks up to me.
"What was that all about?"
"Heaven only knows."
Work. Since we changed the structure of the program one of my individuals (well all of them actually, but he's the only one that makes such a big fuss about it) has been feeling neglected. I want you all to know that the amount of attention I give him is no less than before. He just gets... seperation anxiety I guess. I've now worked out a system with him that if he doesn't talk about me and participates in the activity I'll spend some one on one time with him. It seems to be working. I wonder if it works with kids... I'll have to test that out someday... Today he asked me to go to lunch with him again. Last week I said no. This week I said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much. You'll have to ask him first." That seemed to shut him down for a bit. We'll see how long it lasts.
Speaking of my boyfriend... I spent some time with him and his family last weekend. His dad makes me smile. We're very similar. Sometimes we'll get talking and Felipe will zone out. And if I'm around when he calls Felipe, he now asks to speak to me. Sunday night he just made my day: He was talking about the photos he put up on facebook and how all his family teased that I was his new girlfriend. He laughed and said "If I was twenty four I would grab you up so fast! No one would have a chance to date you because I would marry you so fast!" I laughed and said "Pass that word along, okay Kleber? Pass that along..." He laughed and said he would. He makes me laugh.
The other night I went over to Felipe's house and just hung out. I'm tired of being home alone. With no West or Michayla, my life is sad and lonely. So I'll just go over to people's houses and do nothing. Felipe was winding down, so we watched this revealing magician's secrets show. Every time he paused and gave me a chance to guess how they did it. I said "Magnets!" like six times. He always laughed and said, "no, not magnets." After I went home, I guess he saw two tricks that used magnets. He made sure I got to watch them later. I told him we should run away and be magicians. I think I've got him half convinced to do it...
Friday night was especially lonely. Felipe was at his capeoira class, and I just didn't want to be alone. So I ran over to Chelsea's apartment. We had a nice printing excursion and I diagnosed her with some physical manifestations of her stress. Afterwards she said, "You know, you live so far away, you should just sleep here. We'll give you some blankets." Liz gave me some pants and I fell asleep while they watched Smallville. I dreamt about zombies I think. Oh, no, I dreamt about Dutch Jews and public pools in the 60's. And Saint Bernards. Yup. That's what couches do to me. But it was fun. I'm glad they let me do that. I might try and do it this Friday again.
Sunday was extraordinary because Felipe actually got to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting. The other ward was so depleted that we were combined, but they hosted. So he got to sit with the congregation! It was soooo... strange. I didn't hardly know how to sit next to him. I ended up mostly ignoring him (sorry, Babe). Of course, that was before he viciously elbowed me in the back while trying to get a pen from my hand. After that there was no ignoring. There was war. It was twenty minutes past the normal time that the meeting ends, so I thought it was fair enough.
Last night I rushed home to check my phone (cause I left it at home) and asked Felipe if we were hanging out that day. (We're both booked for the rest of the week.) He said yes and "dress warm. Sporty warm." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? He gets to my place and says, "Hurry! We've got to do this before the sun sets!" "What am I supposed to wear??" "Not that." "No jeans?" "No jeans." "Boots or tennis shoes." "Those-" he said, pointing to my sketchers. "Okay."
What was the big hurry? Felipe was taking me slack lining. He set it all up in the trees next to my apartment. Slack lining... it's like tight rope walking. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "No way, Felipe." He laughed. My face didn't change as I stated, "I will die."
"It's two feet off the ground. You're not going to die."
"If anyone can manage it, I can. Do not underestimate my powers of bad luck."
It ended up being fine. I didn't die. Felipe showed me some sweet tricks. I almost fell a couple times. Then I had to one up myself when he said it was easier barefoot by stripping off my socks and shoes, crossing the snow, and jumping on the rope. I'm proud of me.
So, life is boring right now. Good. But boring.
Now all I need to do is think of a great name for our new magic show...
Tom's mom? She never calls in...
"Hi, Joanna! What can I do for you?"
"What happened yesterday?"
"What?"
"What happened yesterday? Tim had tears in his eyes, crying until he fell asleep that he didn't get to see you yesterday."
"He did get to see me. I didn't spend all day with him, I have other people that I needed to take care of, but he saw me for quite a bit of time."
"Well why is he so upset?"
"Joanna, I have no idea."
"I don't want him coming home upset."
"I'll do my best to make sure he gets all the time he needs."
"Thank you."
click!
Cassie walks up to me.
"What was that all about?"
"Heaven only knows."
Work. Since we changed the structure of the program one of my individuals (well all of them actually, but he's the only one that makes such a big fuss about it) has been feeling neglected. I want you all to know that the amount of attention I give him is no less than before. He just gets... seperation anxiety I guess. I've now worked out a system with him that if he doesn't talk about me and participates in the activity I'll spend some one on one time with him. It seems to be working. I wonder if it works with kids... I'll have to test that out someday... Today he asked me to go to lunch with him again. Last week I said no. This week I said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much. You'll have to ask him first." That seemed to shut him down for a bit. We'll see how long it lasts.
Speaking of my boyfriend... I spent some time with him and his family last weekend. His dad makes me smile. We're very similar. Sometimes we'll get talking and Felipe will zone out. And if I'm around when he calls Felipe, he now asks to speak to me. Sunday night he just made my day: He was talking about the photos he put up on facebook and how all his family teased that I was his new girlfriend. He laughed and said "If I was twenty four I would grab you up so fast! No one would have a chance to date you because I would marry you so fast!" I laughed and said "Pass that word along, okay Kleber? Pass that along..." He laughed and said he would. He makes me laugh.
The other night I went over to Felipe's house and just hung out. I'm tired of being home alone. With no West or Michayla, my life is sad and lonely. So I'll just go over to people's houses and do nothing. Felipe was winding down, so we watched this revealing magician's secrets show. Every time he paused and gave me a chance to guess how they did it. I said "Magnets!" like six times. He always laughed and said, "no, not magnets." After I went home, I guess he saw two tricks that used magnets. He made sure I got to watch them later. I told him we should run away and be magicians. I think I've got him half convinced to do it...
Friday night was especially lonely. Felipe was at his capeoira class, and I just didn't want to be alone. So I ran over to Chelsea's apartment. We had a nice printing excursion and I diagnosed her with some physical manifestations of her stress. Afterwards she said, "You know, you live so far away, you should just sleep here. We'll give you some blankets." Liz gave me some pants and I fell asleep while they watched Smallville. I dreamt about zombies I think. Oh, no, I dreamt about Dutch Jews and public pools in the 60's. And Saint Bernards. Yup. That's what couches do to me. But it was fun. I'm glad they let me do that. I might try and do it this Friday again.
Sunday was extraordinary because Felipe actually got to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting. The other ward was so depleted that we were combined, but they hosted. So he got to sit with the congregation! It was soooo... strange. I didn't hardly know how to sit next to him. I ended up mostly ignoring him (sorry, Babe). Of course, that was before he viciously elbowed me in the back while trying to get a pen from my hand. After that there was no ignoring. There was war. It was twenty minutes past the normal time that the meeting ends, so I thought it was fair enough.
Last night I rushed home to check my phone (cause I left it at home) and asked Felipe if we were hanging out that day. (We're both booked for the rest of the week.) He said yes and "dress warm. Sporty warm." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? He gets to my place and says, "Hurry! We've got to do this before the sun sets!" "What am I supposed to wear??" "Not that." "No jeans?" "No jeans." "Boots or tennis shoes." "Those-" he said, pointing to my sketchers. "Okay."
What was the big hurry? Felipe was taking me slack lining. He set it all up in the trees next to my apartment. Slack lining... it's like tight rope walking. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "No way, Felipe." He laughed. My face didn't change as I stated, "I will die."
"It's two feet off the ground. You're not going to die."
"If anyone can manage it, I can. Do not underestimate my powers of bad luck."
It ended up being fine. I didn't die. Felipe showed me some sweet tricks. I almost fell a couple times. Then I had to one up myself when he said it was easier barefoot by stripping off my socks and shoes, crossing the snow, and jumping on the rope. I'm proud of me.
So, life is boring right now. Good. But boring.
Now all I need to do is think of a great name for our new magic show...
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I kneel down hold my ground...
Tell me again why I've decided to go to grad school? Wait, let me correct that. Why I decided to APPLY to grad school. I'm beginning to feel very certain that I'm not going to get accepted ANYWHERE. And it's driving me nuts. I wrote the world's crappiest personal statement on Saturday and it's got me wondering... what am I thinking? Why do I think I'll get accepted into a program that I know nothing about? Like, I seriously know presque rien, or nearly zilch for my anglophones, about the field of social work. I just know that it's where I want to be. I know that I was made to help people. And I know that God's okay with me doing this. Well, I think He's okay with it. I've been so doubty about my own abilities lately that it's hard to tell. DUDE. Did you know there's a spiritual gift of being able to discern whether an inspiration comes from God or some other source??? I just read that during my studies on Sunday. I am soooooo putting my name on the list for that one!
Anyway.
I was talking to Felipe the other night, you know, when he wasn't cheating on me with his REAL girlfriend, the TEXT BOOK. Ohhhh yes, I know how much time he spends with her. They go to the library. He takes her home. He even takes her to the cadaver lab... When I see her in MY seat in his car I could scream with rage. That little....
Bref. Talking to Felipe, and ... crud. I forgot what I was going to say. I'm sure it was deep and important. Cruddy cruddy crud crud OH!
I remember.
So, I was talking to Felipe about grad programs and he was doing his very best to convince me that I'm beyond stupid if I think I'm not going to get accepted. I expressed my concern that maybe I was making a big mistake, and then I realized that God won't let me if I'm being righteous. He asked what I meant. Then I gave him the best example I could. It has now been long enough since this experience that I'm actually able to share it without feeling bitter or sad.
So. I was freaked out about dating when I came home from my mission. Kim can testify of this. Yeah. Totally wigged. But when I came home, a man that I greatly loved and admired told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was so taken aback, I didn't know how to respond. But I knew that I would LOVE to marry him... once I got to know him better. For three months he courted me, and for three months I couldn't decide. Finally, after two weeks in the wilderness, I realized that I couldn't marry him. That just like my job in the wilderness, the idea of him was wonderful, but I didn't really want him. He wasn't the right one for me. I wasn't the right one for him. That was hard, sad, and difficult to express, but I finally did.
Two weeks after that, another boy caught my eye and asked me out. I enjoyed my time with him, but something wasn't right. Well, two things weren't right: he wasn't as committed to the gospel as I was, and.... I was kinda in love with another guy. I say kinda because I didn't know him well enough to be REALLY in love with him. But what I knew I loved. Anyway, so I tell this boy that's trying to date me that I'd like to continue dating him and see where it goes. But he needed to know that I had very strong feelings for another boy... who was serving a mission at that time and returning in two months. He said he was willing to take his chances, and thus began our relationship. I almost broke up with him like three times, and begged the Lord to tell me what to do. He trusted me enough to try and figure it out.
Things started to get serious with this boy, so much so that even my dad noticed. "You're not checking the mailbox every day, Kacey. Has Kyle talked to you about marriage?" I nearly choked on my chili relleno, and said, No. He hasn't. His comment did make me realize that I was thinking less and less about my missionary. "My Missionary," ha. We'd never dated, never talked about dating, never even alluded to it. He was just the man I cared about who happened to be a missionary at that time. Anyway, there was this one weekend where everything came together perfectly and I realized I soon would want to marry this boy. That was odd for me. I told him, "If someone asked me to pick between you and him four days ago, I would have picked him in a heartbeat. But if they asked tomorrow.... I don't know who I'd pick."
THE NEXT DAY.
I get a letter from my missionary. He says "I wasn't going to bring this up, but I felt impressed that I should..." He then goes on to tell me that he was aware of my feelings for him and his feelings were similar.
Holy. Crap.
I had four days of solitude babysitting my nieces to figure this one out. At the end of that week, I knew I had to break up with him. I HAD to know if my missionary and I could work. He was my best friend, after all, and doesn't everyone dream of marrying their best friend?
No, it didn't work out between my missionary and I. I'm not sorry about that. I'm not sorry that he sent me the letter. We are still good friends. I still love him... I'm not IN love with him. But I love my little BFF. I know that if I hadn't gotten his letter when I got it... if he'd waited till he got home to say something... I'd have been at the very least engaged. Engaged to someone who wouldn't help me reach my full potential.
"I'm a home wrecker!" he said when I told him the story. I laughed and said, "No, you're not. You saved me from making a huge mistake. And if we become nothing more than friends, at least know that you were inspired to send that letter when you did."
The Lord trusted me. But when I almost made a stupid mistake, He beat me over the head with a romantic two by four.
Halleluyar.
So there. That is proof that if Grad school isn't right for me, God might have someone send me another proverbial letter, right? If I'm being righteous and trying hard to listen to the Spirit, i won't make major mistakes, right?
Right. That's what I tell myself.
I'm gunna feel like such a reject if NO grad schools accept me.
This is worse than dating.
Anyway.
I was talking to Felipe the other night, you know, when he wasn't cheating on me with his REAL girlfriend, the TEXT BOOK. Ohhhh yes, I know how much time he spends with her. They go to the library. He takes her home. He even takes her to the cadaver lab... When I see her in MY seat in his car I could scream with rage. That little....
Bref. Talking to Felipe, and ... crud. I forgot what I was going to say. I'm sure it was deep and important. Cruddy cruddy crud crud OH!
I remember.
So, I was talking to Felipe about grad programs and he was doing his very best to convince me that I'm beyond stupid if I think I'm not going to get accepted. I expressed my concern that maybe I was making a big mistake, and then I realized that God won't let me if I'm being righteous. He asked what I meant. Then I gave him the best example I could. It has now been long enough since this experience that I'm actually able to share it without feeling bitter or sad.
So. I was freaked out about dating when I came home from my mission. Kim can testify of this. Yeah. Totally wigged. But when I came home, a man that I greatly loved and admired told me that he loved me and wanted to marry me. I was so taken aback, I didn't know how to respond. But I knew that I would LOVE to marry him... once I got to know him better. For three months he courted me, and for three months I couldn't decide. Finally, after two weeks in the wilderness, I realized that I couldn't marry him. That just like my job in the wilderness, the idea of him was wonderful, but I didn't really want him. He wasn't the right one for me. I wasn't the right one for him. That was hard, sad, and difficult to express, but I finally did.
Two weeks after that, another boy caught my eye and asked me out. I enjoyed my time with him, but something wasn't right. Well, two things weren't right: he wasn't as committed to the gospel as I was, and.... I was kinda in love with another guy. I say kinda because I didn't know him well enough to be REALLY in love with him. But what I knew I loved. Anyway, so I tell this boy that's trying to date me that I'd like to continue dating him and see where it goes. But he needed to know that I had very strong feelings for another boy... who was serving a mission at that time and returning in two months. He said he was willing to take his chances, and thus began our relationship. I almost broke up with him like three times, and begged the Lord to tell me what to do. He trusted me enough to try and figure it out.
Things started to get serious with this boy, so much so that even my dad noticed. "You're not checking the mailbox every day, Kacey. Has Kyle talked to you about marriage?" I nearly choked on my chili relleno, and said, No. He hasn't. His comment did make me realize that I was thinking less and less about my missionary. "My Missionary," ha. We'd never dated, never talked about dating, never even alluded to it. He was just the man I cared about who happened to be a missionary at that time. Anyway, there was this one weekend where everything came together perfectly and I realized I soon would want to marry this boy. That was odd for me. I told him, "If someone asked me to pick between you and him four days ago, I would have picked him in a heartbeat. But if they asked tomorrow.... I don't know who I'd pick."
THE NEXT DAY.
I get a letter from my missionary. He says "I wasn't going to bring this up, but I felt impressed that I should..." He then goes on to tell me that he was aware of my feelings for him and his feelings were similar.
Holy. Crap.
I had four days of solitude babysitting my nieces to figure this one out. At the end of that week, I knew I had to break up with him. I HAD to know if my missionary and I could work. He was my best friend, after all, and doesn't everyone dream of marrying their best friend?
No, it didn't work out between my missionary and I. I'm not sorry about that. I'm not sorry that he sent me the letter. We are still good friends. I still love him... I'm not IN love with him. But I love my little BFF. I know that if I hadn't gotten his letter when I got it... if he'd waited till he got home to say something... I'd have been at the very least engaged. Engaged to someone who wouldn't help me reach my full potential.
"I'm a home wrecker!" he said when I told him the story. I laughed and said, "No, you're not. You saved me from making a huge mistake. And if we become nothing more than friends, at least know that you were inspired to send that letter when you did."
The Lord trusted me. But when I almost made a stupid mistake, He beat me over the head with a romantic two by four.
Halleluyar.
So there. That is proof that if Grad school isn't right for me, God might have someone send me another proverbial letter, right? If I'm being righteous and trying hard to listen to the Spirit, i won't make major mistakes, right?
Right. That's what I tell myself.
I'm gunna feel like such a reject if NO grad schools accept me.
This is worse than dating.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Gentlemen's Club
Today all the girls from my table called in. It's just me and three gentlemen. I call us "The Gentlemen's Club." Because they all have addictions to certain drinks, and they're sitting in a circle around me, I feel like that is an appropriate name.
You know when you have those dreams that seem to be on your mind until you dream again? That is me today.
I stepped through a door into a world different than this one. It was a place where "should have's" were kept, along with all the "could have's." It was like walking in a world that wasn't congruent with itself, yet it flowed successfully. I strolled down the path and stumbled upon a could have I haven't thought about in a while. There he was, standing en pleine forme, and looked at me expectantly.
"Hi Kacey. Is that what you're wearing on our date?"
I looked down at my outfit which seemed fitting for most any occaision.
"Yes. I guess so."
He shrugged.
"Well, you're the one who wanted to wear costumes. Let's go, I hate being late."
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into a Halloween party. I began to see the inappropriateness of my garb. A girl I didn't recognize saw us and smiled. She announced to the group, "Hey look! The Pitmans are here!"
It was odd. I didn't feel elated or anything like that. We were just like before, only with rings on our fingers. After the party we chatted, sitting distantly on the couch. The emotional distance between us was manifest physically as well as mentally. Our discussion was choppy. Strained. Finally, Ben broke the tension and explained that he almost ended our engagement a few weeks before the wedding. I sat there, shocked.
"You what?"
"It just felt like the right thing to do."
"So why did you marry me?"
"I was too scared to call it off."
This information did not surprise me the way his early declaration did. It made sense and was consistent with the man who was sitting beside me. I moved closer to him and took his hand in mine, trying desperately to feel some kind of spark between my husband and I.
"I'm glad you married me," I said, trying to convince myself as much as anything. His hand was clammy and limp in my hand.
"I don't know if I am," he replied.
"Good," I thought to myself. "Because I don't either."
Later in the dream a bunch of random happenings occured, leading me to work and living in an RV. But when I woke I didn't think about the weirdness of my living situation. I thought of the odd disatisfaction I felt with being married to Ben.
I think this came about because this weekend my parents met Felipe, and they interrogated me a bit on the subject of our relationship. Unlike the last time when Mom came, I didn't feel anxiety or panic. I just felt calm and happy. He makes me happy. He reminds me a lot Kim, odly enough. They have some similar characteristics, characteristics that I love. So while talking to Sydney last night, I realized: I don't feel panic. I don't feel scared. I feel good, happy, and hopeful.
And that's scary.
I don't know how to deal with this... hmmm... calm situation. I haven't felt it in ages. And the last few times I did it ended very badly. Or abruptly. Or... yeah. Luckily, Felipe's name is Felipe, and not Ben (now all you Bens know I love you, but you should all understand my curse by now). So maybe there is hope :)
I am happy. All you could have beens or should have beens-- stay confined in your world. I love my world quite a lot. I don't want to be married to Ben. I want the bright future I see ahead of me.
Happy happy joy joy!
You know when you have those dreams that seem to be on your mind until you dream again? That is me today.
I stepped through a door into a world different than this one. It was a place where "should have's" were kept, along with all the "could have's." It was like walking in a world that wasn't congruent with itself, yet it flowed successfully. I strolled down the path and stumbled upon a could have I haven't thought about in a while. There he was, standing en pleine forme, and looked at me expectantly.
"Hi Kacey. Is that what you're wearing on our date?"
I looked down at my outfit which seemed fitting for most any occaision.
"Yes. I guess so."
He shrugged.
"Well, you're the one who wanted to wear costumes. Let's go, I hate being late."
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into a Halloween party. I began to see the inappropriateness of my garb. A girl I didn't recognize saw us and smiled. She announced to the group, "Hey look! The Pitmans are here!"
It was odd. I didn't feel elated or anything like that. We were just like before, only with rings on our fingers. After the party we chatted, sitting distantly on the couch. The emotional distance between us was manifest physically as well as mentally. Our discussion was choppy. Strained. Finally, Ben broke the tension and explained that he almost ended our engagement a few weeks before the wedding. I sat there, shocked.
"You what?"
"It just felt like the right thing to do."
"So why did you marry me?"
"I was too scared to call it off."
This information did not surprise me the way his early declaration did. It made sense and was consistent with the man who was sitting beside me. I moved closer to him and took his hand in mine, trying desperately to feel some kind of spark between my husband and I.
"I'm glad you married me," I said, trying to convince myself as much as anything. His hand was clammy and limp in my hand.
"I don't know if I am," he replied.
"Good," I thought to myself. "Because I don't either."
Later in the dream a bunch of random happenings occured, leading me to work and living in an RV. But when I woke I didn't think about the weirdness of my living situation. I thought of the odd disatisfaction I felt with being married to Ben.
I think this came about because this weekend my parents met Felipe, and they interrogated me a bit on the subject of our relationship. Unlike the last time when Mom came, I didn't feel anxiety or panic. I just felt calm and happy. He makes me happy. He reminds me a lot Kim, odly enough. They have some similar characteristics, characteristics that I love. So while talking to Sydney last night, I realized: I don't feel panic. I don't feel scared. I feel good, happy, and hopeful.
And that's scary.
I don't know how to deal with this... hmmm... calm situation. I haven't felt it in ages. And the last few times I did it ended very badly. Or abruptly. Or... yeah. Luckily, Felipe's name is Felipe, and not Ben (now all you Bens know I love you, but you should all understand my curse by now). So maybe there is hope :)
I am happy. All you could have beens or should have beens-- stay confined in your world. I love my world quite a lot. I don't want to be married to Ben. I want the bright future I see ahead of me.
Happy happy joy joy!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
It is long overdue...
"Kacey! Kacey! Brandee, where's Kacey?"
"She's on break, Tom."
"Oh. Where's Kacey?"
"On break."
"When's she coming back?"
"When her break is over."
"Brandee."
"What?"
"Kacey's my bud."
enter: Kacey.
"KACEY! You made it!"
I love that guy. Tom (name has been changed) has this huge thing with me. As soon as I leave, he starts asking the nearest Staff, which is usually Brandee because one of her individuals is almost always in the bathroom and my table is right next to the bathroom, where I am and when I'll be back. And as soon as I get back he'll throw his arms in the air and say, "KACEY! YOU MADE IT!" Like I'd been on the verge of death or something. And if I was, all I'd have to do is think of that and I'd come right back to life. He just makes me laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. We are good chums. If he ever goes on trips that I don't go on, every other thing he says is, "Where's Kacey? When are we going to pick her up?" Awww... someone misses me!
Here are some other funny ones I've heard/ seen.
A tall man from the other department sees me coming out of the changing room, stops me and says, in all seriousness: "He is using bad words."
"Uh oh."
"Yeah, I told him we don't use bad words. Because there are womans here."
Yup. Womans.
The same man today hugged his peer and said "Guess what I'm going to be for Halloween!"
"What???" the other responded enthusiastically. "I'm going to be a mousy!"
His peer takes a second, cocks his head and says, "A mousy?" The best part was, another peer, a woman (not to be confused with womans) smacked his arm and said, "Duh. A mousy."
Another thing that happened this morning:
One of the individuals here, let's call her Susan, was in our department one minute, then she was gone the next. I looked around wildly and said, "Where's Susan?" Another Staff said, "She's in bathroom number two." I calm down. Uh duh Kacey. She's independant in the bathroom so she doesn't write her name on the outside like a Staff would. Then Brandee comes up with one of her guys (told you she's always by the bathrooms...) and says, "Is there anyone in here?" knocking on bathroom two. I say, "Yeah, Susan." She opens the door a bit, pokes her head in, looks around and says to me, "No, there's no one in here." Panic starts to set in as I realize that Susan has been off the floor for at least the five minuts I thought she was in the bathroom. Crystal, the Staff that told me she was in there in the first place, exclaimed, "What? THat's impossible! I saw her go in!" At that very second both Brandee and I look back at the bathroom and Susan is standing in the doorway. "Hellloooooooo!" she crooned in her shakey old lady voice, as per usual. I nearly wet my pants it startled me so badly. Brandee almost dropped the individual she had. Susan was apparently throwing her paper towel away behind the door the first time we looked in. But it was spooooookkkyyyyyy....
My life has been up and down lately. My car keeps giving me heck. I applied for auto loans at my two banks (Wells Fargo and US Bank), but both rejected me on no previous debt. Yeah, my credit score is good... I just have no comperable debt experience. To quote one of the bankers working with me, "How dare you live within your means and not incurr debt!" Right? So I applied at this one federal credit union here in Reno that one of my friends got her loan at. I didn't actually expect them to approve. THey didn't exactly- they gave me a counter offer. $10,000, with the stipulation that $10,000 is 80% of the Kelly Blue Book value of the car. The highest APR (which is only if the car is the oldest it can be) is 4.99%, going down with the age of the car. I feel like there was one more stipulation. Hmmm. I don't remember. I'm gunna go talk to the banker today. Hopefully I can find a car that fits all those qualifications and is tons better than the car I have now. Which is in the shop. Again. Shocker. It hates me. Sigh. Ma pauvre Amandine...
Anyway. Lunch is almost over. I've gotta study some more tonight for the GRE. Then it's my birthday party. I was supposed to go shopping with Felipe to help him put together a costume (he just wanted to buy one, how silly! Thrift Stores are the way to go!) but my test studying is taking precedence. He understands. He's a stricter studier than I am.
Bref.
La fin.
"Brandee! Where's Kacey?"
"She's on break, Tom."
"Oh. Where's Kacey?"
"On break."
"When's she coming back?"
"When her break is over."
"Brandee."
"What?"
"Kacey's my bud."
enter: Kacey.
"KACEY! You made it!"
I love that guy. Tom (name has been changed) has this huge thing with me. As soon as I leave, he starts asking the nearest Staff, which is usually Brandee because one of her individuals is almost always in the bathroom and my table is right next to the bathroom, where I am and when I'll be back. And as soon as I get back he'll throw his arms in the air and say, "KACEY! YOU MADE IT!" Like I'd been on the verge of death or something. And if I was, all I'd have to do is think of that and I'd come right back to life. He just makes me laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. We are good chums. If he ever goes on trips that I don't go on, every other thing he says is, "Where's Kacey? When are we going to pick her up?" Awww... someone misses me!
Here are some other funny ones I've heard/ seen.
A tall man from the other department sees me coming out of the changing room, stops me and says, in all seriousness: "He is using bad words."
"Uh oh."
"Yeah, I told him we don't use bad words. Because there are womans here."
Yup. Womans.
The same man today hugged his peer and said "Guess what I'm going to be for Halloween!"
"What???" the other responded enthusiastically. "I'm going to be a mousy!"
His peer takes a second, cocks his head and says, "A mousy?" The best part was, another peer, a woman (not to be confused with womans) smacked his arm and said, "Duh. A mousy."
Another thing that happened this morning:
One of the individuals here, let's call her Susan, was in our department one minute, then she was gone the next. I looked around wildly and said, "Where's Susan?" Another Staff said, "She's in bathroom number two." I calm down. Uh duh Kacey. She's independant in the bathroom so she doesn't write her name on the outside like a Staff would. Then Brandee comes up with one of her guys (told you she's always by the bathrooms...) and says, "Is there anyone in here?" knocking on bathroom two. I say, "Yeah, Susan." She opens the door a bit, pokes her head in, looks around and says to me, "No, there's no one in here." Panic starts to set in as I realize that Susan has been off the floor for at least the five minuts I thought she was in the bathroom. Crystal, the Staff that told me she was in there in the first place, exclaimed, "What? THat's impossible! I saw her go in!" At that very second both Brandee and I look back at the bathroom and Susan is standing in the doorway. "Hellloooooooo!" she crooned in her shakey old lady voice, as per usual. I nearly wet my pants it startled me so badly. Brandee almost dropped the individual she had. Susan was apparently throwing her paper towel away behind the door the first time we looked in. But it was spooooookkkyyyyyy....
My life has been up and down lately. My car keeps giving me heck. I applied for auto loans at my two banks (Wells Fargo and US Bank), but both rejected me on no previous debt. Yeah, my credit score is good... I just have no comperable debt experience. To quote one of the bankers working with me, "How dare you live within your means and not incurr debt!" Right? So I applied at this one federal credit union here in Reno that one of my friends got her loan at. I didn't actually expect them to approve. THey didn't exactly- they gave me a counter offer. $10,000, with the stipulation that $10,000 is 80% of the Kelly Blue Book value of the car. The highest APR (which is only if the car is the oldest it can be) is 4.99%, going down with the age of the car. I feel like there was one more stipulation. Hmmm. I don't remember. I'm gunna go talk to the banker today. Hopefully I can find a car that fits all those qualifications and is tons better than the car I have now. Which is in the shop. Again. Shocker. It hates me. Sigh. Ma pauvre Amandine...
Anyway. Lunch is almost over. I've gotta study some more tonight for the GRE. Then it's my birthday party. I was supposed to go shopping with Felipe to help him put together a costume (he just wanted to buy one, how silly! Thrift Stores are the way to go!) but my test studying is taking precedence. He understands. He's a stricter studier than I am.
Bref.
La fin.
"Brandee! Where's Kacey?"
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