Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Gentlemen's Club

Today all the girls from my table called in.  It's just me and three gentlemen.  I call us "The Gentlemen's Club." Because they all have addictions to certain drinks, and they're sitting in a circle around me, I feel like that is an appropriate name.

You know when you have those dreams that seem to be on your mind until you dream again?  That is me today.

I stepped through a door into a world different than this one.  It was a place where "should have's" were kept, along with all the "could have's."  It was like walking in a world that wasn't congruent with itself, yet it flowed successfully.  I strolled down the path and stumbled upon a could have I haven't thought about in a while. There he was, standing en pleine forme, and looked at me expectantly.

"Hi Kacey.  Is that what you're wearing on our date?"
I looked down at my outfit which seemed fitting for most any occaision.
"Yes. I guess so."
He shrugged.
"Well, you're the one who wanted to wear costumes.  Let's go, I hate being late."
He grabbed my hand and pulled me into a Halloween party. I began to see the inappropriateness of my garb.  A girl I didn't recognize saw us and smiled. She announced to the group, "Hey look! The Pitmans are here!"

It was odd. I didn't feel elated or anything like that.  We were just like before, only with rings on our fingers.  After the party we chatted, sitting distantly on the couch.  The emotional distance between us was manifest physically as well as mentally. Our discussion was choppy. Strained. Finally, Ben broke the tension and explained that he almost ended our engagement a few weeks before the wedding. I sat there, shocked.

"You what?"
"It just felt like the right thing to do."
"So why did you marry me?"
"I was too scared to call it off."

This information did not surprise me the way his early declaration did.  It made sense and was consistent with the man who was sitting beside me.  I moved closer to him and took his hand in mine, trying desperately to feel some kind of spark between my husband and I.

"I'm glad you married me," I said, trying to convince myself as much as anything. His hand was clammy and limp in my hand.

"I don't know if I am," he replied.

"Good," I thought to myself. "Because I don't either."

Later in the dream a bunch of random happenings occured, leading me to work and living in an RV.  But when I woke I didn't think about the weirdness of my living situation. I thought of the odd disatisfaction I felt with being married to Ben.

I think this came about because this weekend my parents met Felipe, and they interrogated me a bit on the subject of our relationship.  Unlike the last time when Mom came, I didn't feel anxiety or panic. I just felt calm and happy.  He makes me happy.  He reminds me a lot Kim, odly enough.  They have some similar characteristics, characteristics that I love.  So while talking to Sydney last night, I realized: I don't feel panic. I don't feel scared. I feel good, happy, and hopeful.

And that's scary.

I don't know how to deal with this... hmmm... calm situation.  I haven't felt it in ages.  And the last few times I did it ended very badly. Or abruptly. Or... yeah.  Luckily, Felipe's name is Felipe, and not Ben (now all you Bens know I love you, but you should all understand my curse by now). So maybe there is hope :)

I am happy.  All you could have beens or should have beens-- stay confined in your world.  I love my world quite a lot.  I don't want to be married to Ben.  I want the bright future I see ahead of me.

Happy happy joy joy!