Monday, February 11, 2013

I'm (not so) secretly in love with Colin Morgan...

So. A few thoughts for this week.

No, Felipe and I aren't dating anymore.  Let me just throw that one out there.  It's not that I'm tired of people asking. I'm mostly tired of people asking where Felipe is.  Not in a like suspicious where's your boyfriend way.  They're just used to seeing me alone at activities and knowing his whereabouts.  Red flag anyone? I didn't think so... speaking of red flags... wait, let's not get there yet.

I respect Felipe for being honest with me and not delaying it once he figured it out. I'd love to say that it surprised me. On one level it did, but mostly... it did not. I never felt like he really invested emotion into me. Not really. To the best of his ability, yes, but... well, like most men that I date, he seems a bit emotionally unavailable. I'm not making this up to make myself feel better. I've just learned to recognize it in hindsight. Also, I had some help from my resident marriage counselor/ bishopric counselor Brother Haines.

I sat him down yesterday. On Saturday he saw me and knew immediately that I'd broken up with Felipe. So I figured he was perceptive enough to help me with my question: Why is it that the really really good guys that I date say "You're an amazing person, and I don't know why, but I'm not falling in love with you." I have a fatty list of men who were less than acceptable that wanted to marry me. So when I date men of high caliber, dedicated to God and the gospel, why do they not fall in love with me. 

"Am I shooting to high? Do I need to date men who aren't as dedicated to the gospel as I am?" I asked Brother Haines.

"No, don't do that. I don't think that's your problem."

After much discussion, here are some things he pointed out and I realized:

1) There are some things that occur in my parents' relationship that bring me comfort in my own dating life. Though that isn't necessarily bad, some of those things are really bad for me. Things that hurt me. Like emotional distance. I sometimes rationalize away my boyfriends that are emotionally unavailable because their behavior mimics my dad's... however, my dad isn't emotionally distant from me (anymore). So it creates a false sense of security. Bienvenue chez Felipe.

2) Though I initially shy away from men who remind me of Ben Pitman, once in a relationship with them, I find comfort in the similarities. I decided yesterday that in some way, that comfort stems from my desire to go back and fix what happened between us. Though there is not a SINGLE thing I could do to fix that situation, if one emotionally distant man would fall in love with me and marry me, then it would "dispell" all my insecurities from that experience. Well, probably not really, but subconciously that's what I feel. Isn't that soooo INTERESTING????  Brother Haines found my deduction interesting and said that now that I'm aware, then it will be easier to avoid.

3) I was always bugged by some of the things Felipe said or did, but didn't know why. Until this weekend. Here's an example of something that bothered me: He never once said, "Kacey, you're amazing," or "You're wonderful," or "you're great." It was always, "Kacey, you're an amazing person," or "you're a wonderful person," or "You're a great girl." 

Can you see the difference?  It's completely detached!  By not saying things directly and specifically about me to me, it kept a HUGE emotional distance between us.


So Brother Haines gave me the challenge to pay attention to how people say things and not what they're saying exactly. Does how they say something show a controlling person? An emotionally distant one? Or maybe someone who seeks closeness as much as I do?

And that was the most profound discovery of them all yesterday: "Kacey, you need someone who can be as emotionally close and intimate as you can be. And your kids need that too.  Remember, you're picking for them too."

So, moral of the story is: I've GOT to find a man who is emtionally available. One who wants to, and CAN be, as emotionally close as I can/am.

Maybe this all sounds cray cray. Oh well. I thought it was very eye opening.  And it makes me feel better about not being with Felipe anymore. Though I love him, and he is wonderful, he isn't able to be what I need. And vice versa, I'm sure.  I'm not perfect.

On other notes, I miss Texas and boy-o's sooo much! Payton, I wish you could come over and play with my dog! And Derek, I keep the acorn you gave me in my pocket. It's my little talisman at work.

And yes.

I'm not so secretly in love with Colin Morgan.

Especially when he uses his real accent.