"You are not supposed to make me happy."
He's not. He's supposed to be someone I don't really give a second thought about. Not that way. But I do. I give him second, third, fourth... on and on.
"I want to come inside, but I don't want you to invite me out of politness."
He was surprised last night to find out that I pay attention to what he says, how he says it. That I noticed things about him that no one "ever has before." Well, duh. I mean, I don't know how to show it, but I feel it. How should I show it? Questions are so limiting. They are far too often superficial. I want what you don't mean to say. I want what you don't mean to show. I want that part of you.
"I trust you. That doesn't mean others don't frighten me."
There has been nothing but opposition from our peers since this began. People whom I didn't even speak to --about anything beyond work, weather, and which day of the week it is-- all of a sudden felt it their duty and right to develop an opinion on the matter. And though he doesn't let it get to him, it makes me edgy. I hate knowing that coworkers feel it their job to inform him how aweful I am, and how I'm not right for him. How he's just a rebound. Ah, yes. Thank you. Even though you don't believe them, it still hurts me.
"I wonder if our obstacle will get resolved, or will I just have to leave?"
He knows my expectations. They come up at least biweekly. He appreciates, understands, and is working on them. I worry that I will have to leave this relationship because I can't see his efforts leading anywhere, or if we'll actually make it to the more obvious and direct pinnacle. I'm praying for pinnacle. I have faith in him.
"I know you don't believe me; welcome to my world."
We both express emotions that the other has a hard time accepting. Until our discussion last night; in fact, I think the direction our chat went has dissolved this issue a bit. I'm trying to get past that disconnect.
"I limit this not because I don't want it, but because I want it so badly how it's supposed to be."
We have bounderies and standards set up. I don't do this to make us jump through hoops. These are not arbitrary limitations I set up. But understand why I do this. It's not because I don't care. It's because I care far more than I'll admit.
"It not only crosses my mind, it also crosses my heart."
Sure I contemplate certain things. But I also feel them.
"Are you ready to accept the consequences of letting me in?"
Ha, talk about honey moon phase...
(side note, when I was younger, I thought "honey dew" was just another way to say "honey moon.")
And finally,
"When all is said and done, I pray that this works out. I pray that we can be together forever. Because no one sees me like you do."
