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Some people remember things in a blur. Others report a slow-mo feeling, like the movie of their life had been fiddeled with. Me? I don't remember anything past announcing to my family that it was officially off. My brain shut down in defense of the emotionall ammo being shot at it the moment I heard myself say "Because he's changed his mind." I must have gone to my room and sat on the green air bed. But I don't remember that. I might have cried-- I probably cried-- I just can't remember. In fact, all I can remember are little snippets; a short trailer of that part of my life is all I can seem to assemble. I count it as a blessing, I really do. I also find it odd.

I remember hiding the ring in my Bolivia bag, underneath a pile of other wedding things. I was going to make him ask for it back, but I couldn't make myself look at it any longer. It was a painfully beautiful symbol of his love and devotion... the things that made it special now made it acidic, painful to even think about. That symbol was a sham, and I was in too much denial to face it.

I don't remember that next week. I remember returning tule. I remember sitting on the couch, eating chocolate favors and watching Lost. I remember Disneyland. Other than that: nada.

I remember the first time Mom cried about it. It wasn't until Grandma Geneva commented on how sad it was. That's when she finally felt it. Hearing her tell me this was a shot to my heart: now this was hurting those closest to me. But I don't remember much else.

Grandma Carlee said she was sorry and that she would call all the family on her side. I thanked her, numbness in my voice. I remember the false optimism I would speak about, giving everyone around me relief from my situation. Everyone except me.

I remember the first time I could look at a boy in that not so subtle way and not feel ashamed. I remember looking at him and really seeing someone that could make me happy, at least for the time being.

I remember the next time I loved someone. It was fast, short, and intense... much like me. But I loved him.

I remember the first time I heard a man tell me he loved me and truly mean it after that day. I remember how it felt to know that not only did he love to talk to me, but he also loved to look at me, to hold me. That was the first time I'd ever experienced that. I remember thanking him later for that.

I remember the day I talked to him and didn't feel anger or remorse. I asked about his life and how he was without ulterior motives or ideas. I wasn't reminded of those old times. This was definitely a new time. I was a new me.

I am a new me.

I've met parts of the real me, the parts that I know for sure that are true. And guess what: I like her. I like her a lot.

Someday, a man will love her more than she can imagine. I can't wait until that happens. When I can no longer remember what it felt like to be sitting here right now.

But for now... I don't need those memories. Today is sufficient for me.

Oh what do you do in the summer time...

...when all the leaves are green!

Yes Rexburg is beautiful this time of year! Now I know what I've been missing and what Tori will get to experience. This place is seriously amazing and there always seems to be something to do... especially homework. GAH! Tons and tons of homework!!

So here's what's been going on in my life lately:

Wow. I've just spent the last three minutes trying to think of exciting things from my life, and I honestly can't think of any. That's sad.

But at least I'm enjoying it!

Hahahahaha!

Quick story: so I sent a text message to my friend yesterday telling him that this boy in my ward is cute and funny. Well, sometimes my predictive text sucks, and instead of "He's cute and funny," my friend got "He's cute be funny."

Poor friend. Couldn't understand why I wanted him to be funny.

:)

Bwa ha! I know it's not that funny, but I am STILL laughing at it. BWA HA HA!!!

Glow, Baby, Glow!!

Last night I played hide-n-seek in the Civil Defense caves. I was a little concerned as to how we would play, but my friend Kami told me not to fear. We stocked up on glow sticks at the dollar tree and took off for the caves. We hiked down to a really rocky part of the caves and then... I was attacked. People (there were about 25-30 of us) started cutting their glowsticks in half and spraying the crap EVERYWHERE.

"What's going on?" I shouted over the rukus. Kami smiled and said "Don't worry, it'll come out. You need to get it all over the rocks and yourself." "Okay." I accepted it without further question. I broke my glowsticks in half and Kami and I shook the liquid all over each other. Others opened large glowsticks and shouted "COVER YOUR EYES!" As I placed my hands over my eyes I catch glimpse of glow juice beeing shook all over the group.

The end result was a bunch of people covered with glowing dots and splatters in a cave that looked like the inside of Space Mountain at Disney Land. It was AWESOME!!!

So we all hid, pretending to be rocks, while one person searched. I was found the first couple times, but then I found the perfect spot... behind a rock. This is how good it was: several people who had been found one round stood AROUND ME and had no idea I was there! The person who was it STEPPED ON MY FACE (ow!) because he thought I was a rock!!! I hid in the same place another time, and I was only found because the guy next to me got stepped on and so I revealed myself as to avoid another face stepping experience.

All in all a good experience. Pictures to come soon!!

PPPPPPPCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!

This was me yesterday:

Does it look sucky? Because it was.

This semester is going to kill me.

You see this smile upon my mouth...

Life is starting to work out!

Work at the JCC is great. I'm loving my boys, as in they aren't super scared of me anymore, and I'm really getting a feel for the place.

School is going well too. Though, I take a test today, so ask me afterwards how I feel about school, lol.

I feel so grateful for the blessings I have in my life, and there are many. Smaller ones are: it's not snowing, my car works, I've dressed exceptionally cute these past few days, and I ate a really decent dinner at the JCC last night. Bigger ones include: my car works WELL, my roommates are SOOO amazing this semester, I have good friends, excellent professionals to work with, food to eat, hair on my head, and brains in my skull. I'm taking classes that I love and I see the sunshine nearly every day! I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I have a family that loves me despite my extreme differences from them, and some boys think I'm cute. More importantly-- I think I'm cute.

I have the most beautiful niece and adorable nephew, and sister-in-laws that don't mind sharing :). Not only that, but I love them and get along with them. I miss Sarah so much!! And Brandon too... but Sarah first!

I have younger sisters that seem to look up to me, and even though I feel that is a large responsability, I also feeled honored and humbled by their mild admiration. I have an older sister who is my best friend, and is setting a prime example for me by serving a mission. I love her so much! And Joseph-- I love that boy so much. I learn from him every time we interact, and I wish I could tell him how amazing he was... but I don't have the words to say it. And I'm his older sister, so, uh, I have cooties, right?

My parents are loving and amazing. My siblings are my support system. My friends are the catalysts of my happiness, and my Savior is the one who helps me return to live with Him and His father.

I love the Gospel and the truths within it. I am grateful for the Atonement and the ability I have to repent and be washed clean. I'm grateful for modern day revelation, and the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me personally.

I could go on and on, but I have class.

I love you all.

I was made for you

I, Kacey Barros, am still sick. Yicky yick yick. My head was super congested on Wednesday, and Thursday morning was Hell, but yesterday was good! And then... the coughing. All day I've been hacking away! TERRIBLE!
I was able to work on my ceramic projects, however, and that was good. A total of five hours was spent in that lab, but it's the funnest homework I've ever had. One of the projects is for my ceramics class. The technique we're learning is coiling, which is pretty much rolling out long snakes and coiling them into a pot or something. I decided to break the mold and made a water fountain. The guidelines are as follows: it must be process evident (you have to be able to tell that I coiled it), and it has to be at least 12" tall or long. I went tall. Now, I had a specific image in my head, but as I was making it, it started to look like... well, it's kinda awkward. I had to fix it unless I wanted my entire class noticing that I had made a fourteen inch phallic symbol. Not so much the image I had in mind. Now it's pretty and almost done! I'll put up pictures after I fire it.

At first my ceramics and sculpture classes were giving me ulcers. These are new skills that I've never had experience with before, and everyone in my classes either have taken a class before, or they're art majors so the scare the bejeezus out of me. But I stopped worrying about it. HA! I'm the worry QUEEN, but I managed to just enjoy myself and do things my own way. As long I'm satisfying myself, then I don't care about the rest. I turn in my first projects that I made with this attitude on Tuesday... we'll see if my teacher agrees. :)