Sunday, March 7, 2010

I married a God....

Not really.  But kind of...  I promise to explain later....

My long time bishop of the Valentine ward was released last week at Stake Conference.  This bishop kicked me out of the ward (I was 17), then asked me to come back (they needed an organist), told me I was too young to get married (when I was 18 and just starting to date Ben-- he told me to wait untill at least 18 1/2), congradulated me when I got engaged and endorsed it with his personal approval (the wedding date was just past my 18 1/2 mark), defended me to my fiance when he wanted to call it off, and cried with me when it all fell to pieces.  He helped me go to the temple, loved me, and supported me in everything.  And now, his life moves on.  I'm sad, yes, but I'm also glad.  Life cannot stay the same, or it's not life.  But that's just my opinion.  He's now in the Stake Presidency.  President Perkins will be amazing, I'm sure.

Today he was officially released in our ward.  We had a huge turnout, and I'm pretty sure our ward clerk hoped today was a counting day.  People who weren't in the ward anymore for whatever reason showed up.  I didn't see him first.  Tori did.

"Kacey.  Ben's here."
"Ben...?  Oh.  Ben Ben?"
"I don't see him... oh wait.  I do."

The entire Pitman clan was there, along with my beautiful almost-nephew Mitchell and his new(ish) little brother.  Oh he is SOOO grown up!  I saw the people I once loved as my own, sitting there without me.  I didn't get immediately sad, but the more I watched them, the more I remembered the good times I had with them.  How amazingly sweet David and Hillari are.  Early in the engagement, Dave called me, teased me about the last name I was going to take on, and then told me how happy his brother was.  And if I could make Ben that happy, then Dave welcomes me into the family.  How Hillari told me stories about Ben, and how much she loved this family, inviting us over for dinner.  How Mary was sweet and inviting, paying for me to fly to Boston for Mark's wedding.  How she and Grandma Mary cried at my Bridal Shower because they were so happy for Ben. 

The Pitmans may have their faults, and some of them are more apparent than others.  But nothing can be said to disuade me from their amazing qualities.  I still love them.

So that made me sad.  And remembering them reminded me of Ben.  And the good things about him.
He's a good man.  He's the only relationship I've had with a man that made me improve my standards, and actually live up to them.  He held me accountable for my actions, though sometimes it went too far (which is one of the reasons I'm glad we never married).  He loved to laugh, and was never afraid to laugh loud.  He stood up for what he believed in, even to his Mormon peers, which is something I always find hard.  He loved me.  He planned an extensive proposal, but wanted to be engaged so much that he just asked me.  Three weeks before he was going to.  He included me in many decisions.  He was a good man, and would have been a good husband.

Of course he had his faults, but that's not the point of this post.  If we dated again, we would never make it.  I'm a different person now and wouldn't stand for half of what he would say to me.  No one could make me feel ashamed for my concern anymore.  Now I would never allow my fiance to hide things about his health from me, two weeks before the wedding.  And now I would... no.  I'd still fight for him.  If I loved a man enough to say yes to his proposal, and I knew it was approved by God, then I would fight him like I did Ben.  I did NOT go out without a fight.  And you know what?  I like that about me. 

He was a good man.  I would highly reccomend him to anyone.  But not to date-- he's still got committment issues, and it's far to easy to fall in love with this man.

But that's not the God I was talking about.  Last night I dreamt that I married a God.  Greek-God type God.  We even had our own versioun of hades.  I thought it rocked.  But I had very little power.  I mean, being a God-in-law was pretty limiting.  I loved it, though.  Something about this dream made me think about the post-mortal existence.  I got very excited.  I mean, have you ever thought what your role as a Heavenly Mother will be?  (If you're women that is; don't you men worry about being Heavenly Mother's).  I don't mean to wax philosphical or go into dangerous doctrine territory.  But sometimes you wonder... ya know?

Okay.  Well.  C'est tout- for now.


Kristen Moss said...

I can tell that you have grown up alot. I liked this post, I am glad that you are able to move on, this post shows that you have, and your mission is going to be FANTASTIC.

I can tell you are ready.

Tara Barros said...

I like this post too-I like hearing your feelings.