Monday, April 16, 2012

Demain, dès l’aube

Demain, dès l’aube, á l’heure où blanchit la campagne,
Je partirai. Vois-tu, je sais que tu m’attends.
J’irai par la forêt, j’irai par la montagne.
Je ne puis demeurer loin de toi plus longetmps.

Je marcherai les yeux fixes sur mes pensées.
Sans rien voi au dehors, sans entendre aucun bruit,
Seul, inconnu, le dos courbé, les mains croisées,
Triste, et le jour pour moi sera comme la nuit.

Je ne regarderai ni l’or du soir qui tombe,
Ni les voiles au loin descendant vers Harfleur,
Et quand j’arricerai, je mettrai sur ta tombe
Un bouquet de houx vert et de bruyère en fleur.

I love that poem.  SOOOOO much.  Victor Hugo wrote it.  I studied it in my French Lit class like seventy years ago.  But I still remember the first time I understood it.  Rereading now with the mastery I have of the language gives an even deeper meaning to it. I feel like it embodies loss in a loving and mournful way.  Ooooooh, Vicky, how your words pierce my soul.

Anyway.  Tangent over.

Is it a tangent if you start with it?  Or does my commencement make my actual post a tangent?  Hmmmmm... les questions que je me pose...

Today was a day for nostalgia.  For one, I went to the dentist.  Ahhh, Scott is my chum.  He just smiled when he saw me in the chair, his eyes dancing with mirth that said "Did you miss me?"  Nope.  I didn't.  We see each other far too often.  People are going to start to talk.

As if they don't already.  You see, my dad told a member of my bishopric that I was going to visit a friend up north.  Since I got home from my mission, I've been telling people that I'm moving AWAY from Fresno in May.  Well, may is in two weeks.  My trip is in two weeks.  So, this man using the logic and information he has, put two and two together.  And told the entire ward council that I'm moving.  To Washington.  In two weeks.  EVERYONE, this is not true.  I am not.  I am going to visit a friend.  But I'm not moving to Washington.  I'm not moving ANYWHERE until at least June.  Hopefully in June.  But yeah...  not moving.  I had like a gazillion people approach me yesterday and ask me why Washington, and why so short notice?  Was I trying to avoid people?  Was I trying to run TO something?  Is this friend a boy?

Oh boy.  Fielding those questions was a hoot yesterday.  What a funny thing.

I was tempted to say something sassy like I met a man online and I was moving up to WA to marry him.  But lying is bad.  Or at least that's what they tell me.... :)  Also, people would believe me, then that would get back to my dad and the shiz would REALLY hit the fan then.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I amuse myself.  Far too much.

So today was my first day in a long time that I got to stop and breathe.  What did I do?  I read a book really quickly (because it was horrible and portrayed all adolescent males as sex-crazed hormonally driven social doofuses-- which I don't believe to be true, grrr society).  And I cleaned carpets.  I love cleaning carpets.  It allows me time to think.  Et whew!  Did I think!  I pondered you could say.  I felt a little bit of anxiety.  Okay, for a minute a lot a bit.  But it helped me understand something.  That the Lord has been preparing me for this time in my life.  Not only prepared, but prepared by all the annoying, scary, sad and difficult things I've been complaining about these past few months.  Honestly, my biggest irritations are being SO useful right now.  I can think of... hmmm, three?  Yes, three really big bad and scary experiences I had since I got home from my mission.  Oh how I complained!  And cried!  And begged the Lord to solve these things for me!  Yet today-- this very day-- I thanked the Lord.  Because of those experiences, I feel secure in what I'm doing now.  I can determine better what are my own personal fears and thoughts as opposed to what my Heavenly Father is trying to tell me.  He let me figure certain things out all on my own because that was the ONLY way for me to discern my will from His.  My fears versus His directions.  My love versus His charity.

I often feel like these posts make little sense to you guys.  I hope that last part made some sense.  And I know I'm being beyond vague right now, but that's because I'm trying to "protect the innocent" (as well as the not so innocent).  So, let me see if I can resumer ca in a sensible way:

I complained a lot about certain trials these last six months.  I was honestly having a hard time with it.  I couldn't figure out why the Lord was putting me in a position that allowed me to feel so confused.  However,  I now find great purpose and practicality in those experiences.  I can now more easily discern my own voice versus the Spirit's.  And I feel more secure in the choices I make now.  All because of the difficult, and sometimes heartbreaking, experiences I've lived.

Funny.  I get to be Joseph.

That's my favorite analogy.  Remember in the Old Testament Joseph and the multi colored coat?  How much HELL he was put through?  That man was nothing but RIGHTEOUS and constantly searching the will of God!  But his brothers betrayed him, his boss's wife went nuts on him, and he was forgotten by those he helped.  Eventually his repentant brothers, the ones who started it all, showed up and needed help.  And what did he say in the end?   "Don't worry, guys.  God sent me through all that so that I'd be able to help save a gazillion lives.  So t'inquiete!"  I might be paraphrasing a bit, but you get the point.  After all his trials he had the "I get it!" moment.  So whenever I see the use of a past trial, I say "Oh look!  Now I'm like Joseph!"

I like Joseph.  I like being like him.

Anyway.  That was the little insight I wanted to share.  We can all be Joseph.  We can all see the point of our trials.  Maybe not while we're in the midst of the storm... but later.  And that moment, that "I get it!" moment, is more than worth the Hell we'll go through.

I promise :)

Anyway.  Let me finish off with some random notes from my Abnormal Psychology class:

(This is what you call a REAL tangent (:)

-Projective tests are based on the belief that people project their own psychological needs, desires, and drives onto ambiguous stimuli.

-Be careful about neurological imaging studies and the CONCLUSIONS they draw.

-In a projective test it doesn't really matter what the responses are, it's how the responses are given. (That's for all my Saturday Night house/ tree/ person kiddo's...)

-Anterograde amnesia is the inability or difficulty forming or storing new memories.

Et, c'est tout folks!!!

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