Monday, April 9, 2012

Hands touch, eyes meet...

Sudden silence, sudden heat.

I played that song for the first time in a long time today.  I forgot how much I luuurrrrveeee it.

Again, feeling pensive and ... grateful.  Tonight my friend Cathy gave the lesson at FHE.  And though she tore it from her daily scripture study, on a whim you could say, it hit me down to the core.  I was so grateful that she followed a quiet prompting, because it made my day so much better.  Not that my day was going poorly.  But I was getting so tired and only a little confused by some of the people in my life.  I didn't want my day to end badly.  I wanted to keep my good attitude going.  I didn't want to get lost in my hopeless anxiety (anxiety has been plaguing me a lot these last few weeks).  I don't even remember saying a conscious prayer.  But there I was, sitting in a white plastic lawn chair in the Hibdon backyard, and I hear the voice of the Lord tell me to ne t'inquiete pas.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  "What is a drop of water in the ocean?"  Little things that happen in your life don't determine your happiness.  You can look with an eternal perspective and find joy and hope in all things.  That was nice to hear.

My life is a little in flux right now.  I've been asked how long I plan to stay in Madera.  I can't give them an answer beyond "Indefinitely."  I don't know when I'll move.  I went to visit Michayla in Utah.  And, interestingly enough, I found that I'd lost the desire to move to Utah.  I didn't need to be there with my mission friends anymore.  That phase has passed.  I'm moved on to... satisfying myself.  Trying to figure out what I want.  Well, in all honesty, I KNOW what I want.  But there is only a limited amount of control I have over that situation.  And I know that... well, that I can't make all the decisions.  Other people are involved.  And such is life.  I guess I've become a little bit of a "eat my cake and have it too" person.  I just don't want to settle for less than what I COULD have.  Or what I want to have.

I can be too stubborn for my own good, you know?

So I continue in my search for direction.  I'm not too pressee, mais... je doit apprendre comment etre satisfee avec la vie que j'ai maintenant.  And I am.  I'm just reaching impatience again.  Bad.  Bad.

I will say, though, that being humble helps you hear the Spirit.  I was really upset yesterday at church and realized that I was being proud.  So I prayed for humility, missing the comfort that that Christ like attribute brings.  So later that day I realized that I had been very proud and distant with one of my few friends in the ward.  I called her up and begged her forgiveness.  I thought that prompting to apologize was for me.  But, believe it or not, I think the timing of that was more for her.  She told me that just before I called something bad had happened and she thought, "I need a friend right now."  So I got to listen to her.  I got the chance to help her.  Reminded me of the MTC when I apologized to Elder Smith and then got a chance to serve him.  I love when the Lord gives me a chance to help those whom I've hurt.  He truly is a Great God.  I love it.

Well.... I'm off to sleep.  Prayer first.  Need to discuss things with the only Person who REALLY knows what's going on.  Maybe He'll help me figure out what to do.

Hmmmm..  Life is good. :)

1 comment:

Kristen Moss said...

Keep on keepin' on. I have been there when I look up and say "really father, whats going on here. can you give me a little direction" and then he always laugh a big hard rolling thunder laugh and says I have it under control child, you have no idea what you are learning right now. And this has happened lots of times to me. I really really really really loved the talk in conference this past weekend by Richard G Scott. It gave me so much clarity on how to receive direction. Love ya and miss ya!