I have been "enjoying" the rollar coaster ride that is my life. I really can't complain. Well, other than my lack of humility sometimes, and my inability to live in the moment. I have a hard time explaining what is going on in my life, partially because I don't know who reads this blog. Also because I've talked it over so many times with Mom that I don't really know how to say it anymore. In fact, the thought of trying to find the words to m'expliquer exhausts me. It'd be easier in French.
a less legit job that allowed me to budget and do what I want. And that's when it began... I began to start wondering how others saw what I did. My employer asked me regularly how my job search was going-- referring to the search for a job in my field. But... my job was fine. I didn't want a full time long term job in CA. I had other plans, and making personal roots here was DEFINITELY not part of it. Then I started to get less hours at work, which diminished my personal value. Well, how I viewed my personal value. But... I was doing what I wanted.
I came to the realization that a lesson I needed to learn was how to feel valid as a person through my own and my Heavenly Father's evaluation. I tried so hard for so long to do what seemed respectable to other people, when in reality all I wanted to do was "profiter", or take advantage of, the short time that I have between mission life and Grad School. Yes, I am going to go to grad school. And yes, I am earning money. But heck no, this money isn't for grad school! It's for things and for fun. I bought a car! I'm taking trips! I'm going to buy a computer, pay my own phone bills. I'm going to live how I want before I have to conform to a more restrained life. Even if I get married before I go to grad school, as soon as I do, there is responsibility attached. I will have to stop living for me and start living for others. Or the moment I register for grad school-- instant debt, that's what I call it. But now? I'm a little bit of a free bird. But people view what I'm doing as irresponsible and selfish. No. I call it... doing what I want to do for the first time ever.
I did realize, though, that this same judgement and disapproval is going to continue to come at me. Especially when I quit whatever it is I'm doing to have a family. To stay at home and raise my children. I'm risking judgment from everyone-- Mormons or not. In France, I was told repeatedly, BY MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH, that it was impossible and SELFISH to stay home and raise a family. That I HAD to leave to work and help support my family. Also, that the number of children I want to have is a ridiculous and fantastical idea that will have to change in order to survive. Hmmmm... really? Already I have been judged and INVALIDATED by others. Which means that... the ability to find respectability in what I do through my own and God's evaluations is a most invaluable skill. I'm going to face adversity the rest of my life. And the choices I have already made regarding my future will only bring more judgement and commentary. And you know what? WHO CARES.
Okay, easy to say now. But I mean it! I now have had a little taste of what my future holds, and I'll be honest: I was a little scared. However, with the insight that I can find validation within myself and the gospel will help me retain some semblance of sanity when the world around me criticizes my life and family choices. Maybe I don't have the skills down yet, but I'm working on them. I want to be ready for the barrage and les attaques qui vont m'ennerver. I want to hold my head high and say, "Yes. I am a mother. Yes I quit a good job (or school or insert whatever "sacrifice" I will undoubtedly have to make) to do this. Yes, I let my husband be the bread winner. And yes, I had THIS many kids... ON PURPOSE."
Maybe I'm being silly. Or idealistic. But this was a lesson I have learned these past few months. It is only one among many. It is one that I will always remember and use.
Hmm. That is all the incoherent thoughts I have for tonight.