"The less I give the more I get back..."

"Oh I don't love you but I always will...."





Less is more.

I really should have remembered this lesson a lot sooner.

I usually like more.  I'm a talker.  I love talking.  I love people talking to me.  I cannot imagine a life where I am not allowed to talk.

But sometimes, just sometimes, talking should be limited.  Not in a like freedom of speech way.  Not even in a "She talks too much" way.  But... when dealing with people... less can be more.

I guess the lesson I learned this week was that it is better to just let go of something than to be right.  I can rally all day what I'm trying to get across, but if this person doesn't want to listen, then it doesn't really matter.  But even then... even if he did want to listen... is it important enough to risk hurt feelings?  To risk more confusion?  To risk broken hearts?

I asked him if he wanted to hear my side.  He said yes, he does.  But... I don't want to tell him.  It's not worth the backlash.  Because even if he "wants" to hear my side, who's to say it will even be viewed with a clear and unskewed perception?  Who's to say it won't spurr another argument?  Or another disagreement.  So today, when he told me "I want to know your side,"... I decided to not tell him.  Not yet.  I'm still too scarred from the last time I told him my side.  He got angry and defensive.  He didn't understand me.  He REFUSED to understand me.  The lense in which he views me is marred and dirty, leaving out plain and precious evidences that support my honest claims. 

And then he had the nerve to correct me on something.  Show me how silly and dumb I am.

Hahaha.  Funny thing is... I don't care.  I didn't tell him what I told him for the reasons he believes.  And I could correct him.  I could make some snarky remark about how he totally and egocentrically misinterpreted my remarks.  I could be very clever and mean.  And, had this conversation been in person, I probably (unwisely) would have.  But seeing as we are corresponding through other mediums, I have the chance to step back and think a good long time before I react.  And... I have decided that it's not worth it.  His need to be superior, to show me how I lack, to show me how he knows what's better for me than I do... I don't care about it.  I have no desire to feed into that.  Actually, a better way to describe it is that I have no desire to ACKNOWLEDGE his poor behavior.

Yeah.  He thinks he knows what's best for me better than I do.  That's one of the reasons I have a hard time opening up to him.  Because he'll tell me what to do, because I OBVIOUSLY as a 23 year old have ZERO experience or ability to orient myself.  Obviously.  sheesh, wonder how I missed THAT memo for so long.

I choose to believe that his intentions are without guile.  Intentions or not, I don't have to subject myself to his scrutiny.  I don't have to be everyone's friend.  I have to love everyone.  That's what the Savior taught.  But I don't remember being commanded to be everyone's friend.  And honestly, it's easier to be his friend when I'm not talking to him.  When I'm not under his "care".  That's one of the saddest parts: him telling me what to do is how he SINCERELY shows that he cares about me.

No more.

I'm a grown up.  And I've had to be humbled to admit that... that less is more.  I do not have to explain myself to him.  he may never believe my side of the story.  And that doesn't have to matter.  I really can just step back, let go, and walk away. 

Maybe someday I'll look back and say hi.

But not yet.  today is not that day.  And that's okay.

Because today... less is more.




"You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will"