Sunday, July 8, 2012

Do you ever feel already buried deep?

Uh.  Yes.

So.  Cool story.

I had another episode tonight.  A full out freak out end of my world episode.  They're getting worse.  I'm going to talk to Mark about it.  I think we'll be able to figure something out.  I hope.  Nahh, I'm pretty sure we'll figure something out.  But this one... oh man, this one made that feeling so tangibly real it scared the living daylights out of me.  Enough to tell Mom that I'm starting to wig out.  That this is only going to get worse if not dealt with, worse to an unimaginable end.  I say unimaginable because I really really don't want to imagine what the end is.  Luckily, and who knew THIS would ever be the case, because of my psychology education I know that those thoughts and episodes need to be taken seriously and dealt with by a professional.  And that there is a solution/ help for me.  Gosh, I can't tell you how comforting that is.


So I have these episodes, and everyone who's Christian, just let me tell you that I am usually in an emotional state that includes zero rationality, so faith is completely out of the picture.  For about an hour.  Then I escape my cyclical brain enough to breathe.  

Tonight I thought to pray.  Pray or read my scriptures or something.  I was more ready to text one of my close friends than talk to God because I knew that everything I felt was in contradiction to what I believe.  But when I was calm (enough) I decided to pray.  That prayer was pretty much everything I'd already screamed at the wall with less volume and less English (I find it easier to pray in French-- it keeps me thinking about what I really want to say to the Lord).  And as I finished I thought, "I wish my Patriarchal blessing actually addressed some of this crap."  For those of you who aren't Mormon, here's what a Patriarchal blessing is: 

Patriarchal blessings are given to worthy members of the Church by ordained patriarchs. Patriarchal blessings include a declaration of a person's lineage in the house of Israel and contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection.
Yeah.  Comfort.  That's not always the case for me.  Anyway, I decided to open the scriptures, and of course, as usual, I fell upon a scripture that brought me some perspective and a little comfort about my situation.  Then... I decided to put my patriarchal blessing to the test.  And you know what?  The exact issue I was having was addressed in the first paragraph.
Who knew?
God did, that's for sure.

This probably means nothing to you guys, but... it means a lot to me.  It means that many years ago, Heavenly Father saw me having an episode tonight and had just the right thing to help me.  Thanks for the foresight.  It really helped.

Even with all my trials and tribulations and insanity, I cannot and do not deny that God lives.  Christ is His Son and atoned for my sins.  He has reestablished His church on the earth.  And I belong to said church. 

God is good.

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