When the going gets tough, Kacey gets frustrated Pt. 1

Can I just talk about how bizarre my first month has been??


Let's start with my car.

It died.  Yup.  It died.  In Kingman Arizona.  Actually, about 15 miles from Kingman AZ. At about, hmmmm, 230 a.m.? Yeah that sounds right.  Dad called AAA.  I paced the forsaken highway and hyperventilated like mad. "Do You not want me to go??" I asked over and over again. It felt like God was sending me a message.  Well, that's what I wished it was. You see, my car wouldn't start when we tried to leave so we had to jump it. And by we, I mean Michayla and Dad had to do it because I started yelling at the car so Michayla made me go lie down in the house.  And when I was lying down, I asked over and over again "Do You not want me to leave?" I can look back now and see that I WISHED He would tell me not to leave. Coming here was scary. It was so scary. I don't think I realized how scary it would be. I thought going on a mission had cured me of living away from home fears. Heck no.  I forgot how much of a controlled environment a mission was!  I didn't want to leave home, then my car breaks down. While we waited for the tow truck, I enumerated all the reasons I had to go. "I can't sell my contract, my tuition is already paid, and where in the world would I work? What job would I do?" 
Dad: You have to go, Kacey, that's not the question.
Kacey: It was earlier!
Yup, around the time we hit Bakersfield he asked me if I really wanted to/ had to go.

Anyway. We get to Kingman after our nice tow truck driver found us a place to park my little Amandine all week. Dad and I sat and waited for the sun to rise, and I looked for cars. Dad thought maybe we should just buy a new car in Kingman. But we nixed that idea and just decided to rent a car.  Rent a car we did, costing us an unholy amount, and drove to Texas. We stopped for the night at Brandon and Sarah's and I realized how seriously relieved I was to have them so close (7 hours is closer than 30). While sitting around on Sunday morning, I made a post on Facebook about my car dying.  I apparently made it sound like we were still stranded because a  deluge of comments and messages came in about needing to be picked up? needing money? Are you okay? Hahaha, okay, my favorite though came the next day when Dad made me call Joe to make sure he was awake for seminary.

Joe: I heard your car blew up.
Kacey: Yeah. Sigh. It did.
Joe: While you were still in it??
Kacey: It didn't literally blow up, it just died.
Joe: ... oh.

Anyway. I got a message immediately from Benji S.... YES, THAT Benji S. Ex boyfriend still friends Benji S. He asked if I needed him to wire me any money.  I said no, my dad was with me and we're gunna make it to Baton Rouge. 

Benji: Ok.
Kacey: I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to do my internship in BR.
Benji: Where in Texas?
Kacey: Dallas. My dad is with me, we rented a car. We'll get to BR okay, it's just after that that I'll be screwed.
Benji: If you can drive a stick, I have a little truck I'm not going to be using for the next four months. I'm planning too drive a motorcycle to Houston next week, but I can put it in the back of my truck, drive the truck to BR then continue on my way from there.
Kacey:... I can drive stick......... would you be coming through BR? or is that totally out of the way?
Benji: it's not out of my way. Can you hold out for a week?
Kacey: ARE YOU FOR REALS??



Yes. He was. We worked it out that he would come by that next Monday.

Well.  On Thursday I get a phone call.

"Kacey, I can't fit my bike in the back of my truck. But I can fly you out to where I am and you could drive it back to BR."
"Um, I think that's the best shot we got."

It would be a 10 hour drive. I can do that. I drove to Seattle and back by myself, and that was a 14 hour drive.

Then he calls back/

"How about flying to Atlanta? That'll knock three hours off your drive. Then I'll just take the greyhound back home."
"I can't let you put yourself out like that."
"Kacey. Let me do something nice for you, please."

He wouldn't let me pay for the flight. He was very sneaky about it saying "Oh I'll book it for you because you don't have internet so I don't want the price to shoot up on you." Then he wouldn't let me pay him back once I got to Atlanta. And then, he finds out his sister is driving back to his neck of the woods from Atlanta that day, so he didn't have to take the greyhound.

Wow.

This little truck is so great. His name is Danny Cooper.  We are friends.  Benji saved my immobile butt.

Actually, Heavenly Father helped both of us. I seriously couldn't imagine something like that happening. And working out so well.

Maybe it's sacrilege, but I thought of the pioneers. When Dad and I were sitting in Arizona for nearly six hours, I had time to ponder. We were still close enough to home that if I wanted to bail, I still could.  Maybe all these problems really were God's efforts to stop me.

How many pioneers could say that?  On levels much deeper than I've experienced.  I remember saying to Dad as we watched the sun come up, "Lots of pioneers had broken handcarts too, huh?" He chuckled. "Yup."  "But, that didn't mean they weren't on the right path, did it?"  "Nope."  "I kinda feel like a pioneer. Except I had a tow truck. And no one has died. And I still have all my earthly possessions."


And maybe Heavenly Father was giving me that opportunity. "If you want to, Kacey, you can still back out. No one is forcing your hand."  And that's just it; I've never felt PUSHED to go to grad school. I have felt guidance in choosing a major and career, but never pushed. I feel like Heavenly Father let me decide. Maybe it didn't really matter. Or maybe He knew I'd pick the right thing. Or maybe, and I lean towards this theory, Heavenly Father lets us make so many choices for ourselves. He has missions in mind for us, but where we are, what career we have, and maybe even who we're with isn't as important as we humans like to think. Sometimes, for sure. Maybe even half the time. But for me? I try to make Him dictate my life to me. So in return, He makes me make my own decisions. Gosh, just like my parents. Wonder where they learned it :)

I don't think Heavenly Father NEEDS me here in Baton Rouge. I think I wanted to go! So He said, "Okay! I'm okay with this, because you'll still do what I need you to do, and you'll still learn what I need you to learn."

Now, I do feel like I have had lessons here that I wouldn't have learned elsewhere. And it's not that I feel like I don't belong here. (Well, in some ways, but only worldly ways). It's more like Caen- I knew I was there for a reason, I just didn't feel it. The only area I felt that in was Valenciennes. And in a way Versailles as well.


End of Part 1

Who knew a human bio class was food for the soul??

So. I'm in this human bio class that is KICKING my big fat behind. And my behind is only getting bigger and fatter because I'm sitting on it all day trying to get through at least one lesson a day. (A lesson includes at least one 15-25 page chapter and a 30-60 minutes lecture presentation, plus a self check assignment). I've gotta finish this class before I go to Europe or I can say "Buh bye Master's program!"

The first two lessons blew. Majorly. You know, one is a basic, "SHOVE EVERY BIT OF BASIC REVIEW YOU NEVER NEEDED TO KNOW BUT NOW YOU DO!" type lesson. Three chapters in that one. Shoot me. The second was on the chemistry of life. OMG. This lesson is still kicking my butt. I'm studying all the other chapters that are going to be on my test so I can compensate for the crappy score I'll get in that section. And then lesson three- the cell. That's when the fear of lesson two kicked into overdrive and I took meticulous notes on EVERYTHING.  But that's when I started to really get intrigued by my topic. 

Our bodies, heck matter in general, are incredible. Like, who thinks up "See those little pieces of matter? Let's make a nucleus of neutral and positively charge particles, then circle these negatively charged particles around it like a merry-go-round on cocaine!" Seriously? And who thought that would work? I mean, come on. BUT IT DOES! IT TOTES DOES!  And chemical bonds? BRILLIANT! Those are like the only thing I remember from lesson two cause I made really easy mnemonic devices for each one ("Ionic bonds are ironic bonds cause opposites attract!"). But seriously. Who figures that out? Well, God. Obviously.

So yeah, being totes amazed by creation. But, oddly enough, the next lesson actually... dude, it was something I totally wasn't expecting.

The next lesson was on reproduction and fertilization. Now, I took family life in middle school, but seriously, nothing this chemically in depth was discussed. I thought this lesson was going to swallow me whole with all the new vocab and internal anatomy I had to learn.  But as soon as I started reading about how everything is set up to have maximum opportunity to reproduce... okay, don't laugh, but... I felt the Spirit.

No joke.

It snuck up on me, the feeling of comfort and amazement at how we have been made to create. Have you ever learned what has to happen for a child to be created? I mean, SERIOUSLY! It's a battle against the odds! Against external and internal situations! And then, once an egg gets fertilized, does that mean there'll be a baby. NO! It has to go through even more crap, so to speak, to begin growing!  And have you ever seen the stages of development from a zygote to a fetus, to a baby?? It's a drastic difference! Do you know what has to happen for everything to work out? Holy. Crap.

So maybe all of you already knew all this, and in some basic middle school level I did too. Honestly, though, the more I read the more I realized that creating a person is... it's incredible. And to make a person is the same basic cellular process of making any other organism. Which means... you are literally creating life the way Heavenly Father did. You have turned two haploid cells into a diploid, and this cell unwinds its DNA and copies it over and over. And over. And over. And then these cells with infinite possibilities start turning on certain genes so they can form bodies.

We can do that. We can create. We can be like Heavenly Father.

Oh my goodness. It just... hit me. Hit me like a brick wall. What we have been created to be able to do.

And, sorry guys, but this whole section made me so grateful to be a woman. Even though I'm not really experiencing on the level of the fetus, I get to be there for all of it. All of it. And I get to help. I get to be the home, the incubator for this body.
Maybe I won't. I mean, I've never been in a position to know if my body will support pregnancy. For all I know I could be barren. Seriously. So maybe I won't get to experience that till the Millennium. But oh man... I'm looking forward to it.

I still don't know when a spirit enters the body. But the moment the sperm is absorbed into the egg, meiosis is resumed. Life commences. There's no denying it. So whether the spirit is there or not, I don't know. But I do know that life begins at conception. The moment those chromosomes drift towards each other to form a whole new set of DNA. The act of trying to become a live being.

Gosh, I'm probably coming off as some crazed fanatic. But I'm telling you, this chapter seriously enriched my perspective on 1) THE Creation, you know, the 6 day one; 2) Human creation, you know, the one most of us can do; and 3) the sacred and exciting role I have as a woman. (All y'all can keep the Priesthood, I'm keeping my ovaries!)



How can anyone learn about science and not see God's hand? How is that possible?



We had this young man who is Catholic attend our New Testament Institute class. And one night one of the class members went off about some miracles being explainable and how that's sucky, blah blah blah. But then this guy raises his hand and said something that I completely agree with. He said, "Just because you can explain a miracle, doesn't make it any less of one."

BAM!



Humans. We are amazing. What we are capable of is both incredible and sacred.  I wish I had the words to truly express how I feel.



This class is kicking my trash, but hey, it's strengthening my testimony, so how can I complain?

Things I say without really saying them

"You are not supposed to make me happy."

He's not. He's supposed to be someone I don't really give a second thought about. Not that way. But I do. I give him second, third, fourth... on and on.



"I want to come inside, but I don't want you to invite me out of politness."

He was surprised last night to find out that I pay attention to what he says, how he says it. That I noticed things about him that no one "ever has before." Well, duh. I mean, I don't know how to show it, but I feel it. How should I show it? Questions are so limiting. They are far too often superficial. I want what you don't mean to say. I want what you don't mean to show. I want that part of you.


"I trust you. That doesn't mean others don't frighten me."

There has been nothing but opposition from our peers since this began. People whom I didn't even speak to --about anything beyond work, weather, and which day of the week it is-- all of a sudden felt it their duty and right to develop an opinion on the matter. And though he doesn't let it get to him, it makes me edgy. I hate knowing that coworkers feel it their job to inform him how aweful I am, and how I'm not right for him. How he's just a rebound.  Ah, yes. Thank you.  Even though you don't believe them, it still hurts me.



"I wonder if our obstacle will get resolved, or will I just have to leave?"

He knows my expectations. They come up at least biweekly. He appreciates, understands, and is working on them.  I worry that I will have to leave this relationship because I can't see his efforts leading anywhere, or if we'll actually make it to the more obvious and direct pinnacle.  I'm praying for pinnacle.  I have faith in him.



"I know you don't believe me; welcome to my world."

We both express emotions that the other has a hard time accepting. Until our discussion last night; in fact, I think the direction our chat went has dissolved this issue a bit. I'm trying to get past that disconnect.



"I limit this not because I don't want it, but because I want it so badly how it's supposed to be."

We have bounderies and standards set up. I don't do this to make us jump through hoops. These are not arbitrary limitations I set up. But understand why I do this. It's not because I don't care.  It's because I care far more than I'll admit.



"It not only crosses my mind, it also crosses my heart."

Sure I contemplate certain things. But I also feel them.



"Are you ready to accept the consequences of letting me in?"

Ha, talk about honey moon phase...

(side note, when I was younger, I thought "honey dew" was just another way to say "honey moon.")




And finally,

"When all is said and done, I pray that this works out. I pray that we can be together forever. Because no one sees me like you do."

The Turning Point

Benjamin was instructed to go to The Book to begin his search. It was pretty cool, actually. This book was about 1.5 feet by 3 feet, and one inch thick. The cover was made of wood from the Tree of Life. It seemed appropriate seeing as this is the Book of Life. It is sometimes kind of creepy to look at because if you look at it long enough you notice that the grain of the wood actually moves. Weird, right? I think so. And when you open it, the pages are interactive, like a touch screen tablet.  It saves on space. You can look anyone up, alive or dead by family, geographic location, era, or… name. Alphabetical is usually how I go. Be aware, however, that those who have yet to be born are not in the Book.  That is a different category all together. There’s a Book for that too, though.

Anyway, back to Benjamin. He entered the cubicle sized room and went directly to the Book. He really had nowhere else to go seeing as in the middle of the tight space was an ornate table with the Book atop it and overstuffed chair for perusing. The chair was another nice touch from my Boss. It changes to fit the desire of the person in the room. Benjamin likes overstuffed chairs apparently. And he likes flopping into them and pulling the Book into his lap, because that’s exactly what he did. Being a technologically savvy man before death he quickly caught onto the cataloging system in the Book. But where do you start when looking for your wife’s next husband? Obviously with the living. He quickly found the button that applied a living filter to his search. Next-- maybe location would be a good idea. Hmmm, no, he thought. She’ll probably move to be closer to family, especially once she discovers she’s pregnant.  But will it be her sister in France? Or the brother in California? He didn’t know what to expect, so he decided to leave the geo filter off. What to look for next… oh yes, an easy one. Age. He gave her a fifteen year window. He didn’t want someone too young raising his daughter (he didn’t actually know if the baby would be a girl, he just liked to think of a little mini Alice), nor someone too old that wouldn’t want to have any more kids.  Baby should have siblings. Then again, if he’s older, maybe he already has kids.

“No. I’ll set the limit at fifteen years older,” he muttered as he set the filter. “I mean, look at David Tennant and Georgia Moffat. It’s working out for them.”

Finally he decided just to stop there and see if any names or faces spoke to him. He was tired of trying to think of characteristics that he wanted, dare he say it, to replace him.

“Oh, Alice. I love you so much," he whispered to the empthy room. The familiar lump started to form right behind his adam's apple. "Please." The word slipped out of his mouth without permission, like a puppy escaping from the backyard. It was both freeing and scary as it ran away from him into his hearts deepest more selfish request: "Don’t love him more than me.”

The Turning Point

Benjamin was not my first rodeo. I’ve been taking assignments since before his great granddaddy was a twinkle in his great-great granddaddy’s eye. I’ve worked damage control, surveillance, deaths, tender mercies, comfort, communications, and integral interventions. I’ve protected the innocent and supported those under heavy burdens. I was in Caen when the American troops liberated the French from German forces. I crossed the prairies with countless wagon trains and handcart companies. I lived in the slums of New York just waiting to help a ward. I’ve danced with the devil, and I’ve used guile to help people see the truth.

 

I have never, and I mean NEVER, helped someone find a replacement spouse.

 

The closest I might have ever come was with the Bjork’s. I helped them find their next child. Oh what a sad case that was, but with a happy ending. They had both wanted a huge family, but she had health problems that made it difficult for her to get pregnant. Finally they had their first son. However, after seven weeks of a wonderful life, I was commissioned to take him to the veil. SIDS. We hate it just as much as mortals do. I remember Caryn begging her husband to undo what had been done, but he knew he couldn’t. No one could. It was the will of the Creator, thus there must be some purpose in it. Eventually, after it had been determined that she was unable to bear any more children, they decided to adopt. They tried to adopt 13 times. One success was Michael. He sadly… was another trial they had to live. After Caryn and Luke had taken Michael home, but before the adoption was sealed and official, Michael’s birth mother was faced with a dilemma: another family offered to pay her substantially to give them Michael instead of the Bjork’s. My boss tried to stop her. He sent Hall in a dream to Michael’s maternal grandfather. Hall and I were partners at the time and were often assigned to complimentary cases as was the usual protocol. Hall told the grandfather that Michael was meant to stay with the Bjorks, that they had been prepared to raise him as he should be. Grandpa told his daughter, Michael’s birthmother, that God wanted him to stay a Bjork. But Megan, Michael’s mother, had made her decision: she took him away and gave him to the other family. This time Caryn and Luke had spent two months with their second son.

 

My boss can do a lot. But he will never take away someone’s agency. Ever.

 

There is a happy ending, I promise. I feel obligated to tell you so that you see the original point of my story. I had helped the adoption process with Michael through subliminal persuasive methods, being an invisible force that gave feelings of hope or frustration. This time, in order to give Caryn and Luke a higher chance of success, I was asked to go Integral. Integral means that we assume a created identity and slip into the ward’s life. In this capacity I became the friend of a young girl named Dawn. Dawn got knocked up by her 22 year old boyfriend—she was 16. I both love and hate Integral assignments; I become so attached to my wards that I sometimes forget what I’m there to do. I thought I was supposed to help her make the decision to adopt out her baby, and then choose the Bjorks. My boss had done a lot to prepare this couple to receive and raise a son. And not just any son: Dawn’s son. But Dawn was already thinking about adoption by the time I brought it up. In fact, my real job ended up being there to support her while her family criticized her and told her to keep the baby. With me there to stick up for her, she fought every obstacle that came her way. It seemed like the powers of Hell were united against this adoption. In fact, looking back at Ryan’s life – Ryan is what the Bjork’s ended up naming him – the powers of Hell fought against him a lot. But he was victorious in the end. Or, well, he was when I last checked. Eventually the adoption was final, and Caryn got the son she had been longing for all her life. It wasn’t the 12 kids she’d always wished for. But Caryn got many opportunities to mother so many children. I can think of at least 20 who would call her a surrogate mother. She is such a force! And Ryan… well, he has great things ahead of him. And Hell can’t stop him. Not while I’m watching out for him.

 

 

 

Anyway, the point of that story was that I helped Caryn and Luke find the son who didn’t REPLACE Michael… but filled the hole he’d left.

 

If I thought about this assignment that way, then Benjamin’s request didn’t seem so foreign.

 

Yet…

 

I don’t know. Love is a hard thing for me to grasp. I have been in love many times, including my current amour. But the thought that you can replace one person with another… ick, that just makes my skin crawl. That’s not to say that I think all widows and divorcés should remain single the rest of their lives, not at all! I just think each person has a special role to play in our lives and a specific imprint to leave. You can’t replace people.

 

Filling the hole, Lina. Remember that you’re just filling the hole. You can’t give her Benjamin again… but you can give her another companion.

 

Filling the hole. What an interesting concept. There seemed to be holes in my heart and life that could never be filled, no matter how hard I tried. Rachelle kept telling me that it’s because the right person hasn’t found me yet. I tell her that I’ve been alive more than two hundred years; if I haven’t found him yet, who’s to say I ever will?

 

“That’s your first problem,” she replies. “HE has to find YOU.”

 

I hate when she says that. I feel like it instantly invalidates the men I’ve fallen for before they fell for me. Like my current love. Sometimes I voice that insecurity. She smiles and says, “Evelina. He has to find you. The real you. The true you. The one you hardly share with anyone. I don’t mean he has to find you physically. He just has to be the one that brings out the real you. Does he do that?”

 

I sigh. “I dunno. Maybe. I can’t tell.”

 

“Then he hasn’t found you yet. So stop stressing.”

 

Agh. Rachelle makes it sound so simple. So easy. It’s not easy. Not for me. Not when my heart gets broken. And I hate to say it, but every time that happens, I whisper in my heart, Guillaume. Will you ever let me replace you?

 

But no one can replace Guillaume.

 

Sometimes I hate him for it.

 

 

Last time I saw you We had just split in two. You were looking at me. I was looking at you.

You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.


I love that song. It's not accurate in a lot of places, but this stanza just gets me every time. Especially that last line- "That the pain down in your soul was the same as the one down in mine." What an amazing idea!

Anyway. Lots of thoughts lately. Some interesting things happening. FIRST! I had two answers to prayers given. THe same day. Faith works guys :)

The other night, two nights ago in fact, I dreamt about an old friend. We never dated, but we both thought about it. We'd talked a bit here and there about maybe going forward. But I came to the sad realization that though he was wonderful, I was not the girl for him. Oh man, my heart is fluttering just remembering when it all took off. We'd met on my mission, serving together once, but seeing each other at nearly every zone conference after that. Anyway, I called him about something in my area (he was the only missionary still in the field that had served in my area), and he teased me about something. I don't remember what. It doesn't matter. So he teased me and I replied, "You're going home next week! Who's going to tease me when you're gone?"  a pause.  "Soeur Barros, you can't get rid of me that easily."  We wrote regularly for a transfer or two after he left. But I figured out that I wouldn't make him as happy as he deserved. It was sad. He was kind. Sweet. BEYOND thoughtful. One of the best mission friends I made. When I got home we talked about it. It just didn't work out. Dang it, he was GORGEOUS too. SOOOOOOOOO pretty in EVERY way. Sigh, my heart is fluttering again!

So I dreamt about him two nights ago. I dreamt that he was getting married in the next day, and I suddenly realized that I wanted to be with him. I intercepted him at a pre wedding activity and chatted with him about the upcoming nuptials. And then I did it. "I made a mistake." "You did?" "You're the one I'm supposed to be with. You're the one I love."  He just looked at me. I mean, how would you react? I started to cry and said, "I know i can't have you, and that I can't deserve you, but... you need to know how I feel." He took my hands from my face and held them in his own. "Kacey... what do you expect me to do?" I started crying even harder, then woke up.

That dream has been in my head for two days. Mostly because I was sooooo SKANKY to try and steal a fiance like that! But here's the crazy part... I just saw on facebook that he got married. Yesterday.

NO JOKE!!!

I dreamt abouts tealing this guy the day before his wedding on the DAY before his WEDDING!!!

Kindaaaaaa cool/ creepy... if he was a girl, I'd be like, "Let me tell you this crazy dream!" But since he's NOT a girl. And NOT single. I'll keep this one to myself and the blog readers.  Hmmm... maybe one of you will be able to figure out who it is.  Reread my blog posts from my mission. Especially when I first got to France. Then maybe you'll figure it out. :)

Bref. C'est fini. Je suis fatigue. A bien tot.

I'm (not so) secretly in love with Colin Morgan...

So. A few thoughts for this week.

No, Felipe and I aren't dating anymore.  Let me just throw that one out there.  It's not that I'm tired of people asking. I'm mostly tired of people asking where Felipe is.  Not in a like suspicious where's your boyfriend way.  They're just used to seeing me alone at activities and knowing his whereabouts.  Red flag anyone? I didn't think so... speaking of red flags... wait, let's not get there yet.

I respect Felipe for being honest with me and not delaying it once he figured it out. I'd love to say that it surprised me. On one level it did, but mostly... it did not. I never felt like he really invested emotion into me. Not really. To the best of his ability, yes, but... well, like most men that I date, he seems a bit emotionally unavailable. I'm not making this up to make myself feel better. I've just learned to recognize it in hindsight. Also, I had some help from my resident marriage counselor/ bishopric counselor Brother Haines.

I sat him down yesterday. On Saturday he saw me and knew immediately that I'd broken up with Felipe. So I figured he was perceptive enough to help me with my question: Why is it that the really really good guys that I date say "You're an amazing person, and I don't know why, but I'm not falling in love with you." I have a fatty list of men who were less than acceptable that wanted to marry me. So when I date men of high caliber, dedicated to God and the gospel, why do they not fall in love with me. 

"Am I shooting to high? Do I need to date men who aren't as dedicated to the gospel as I am?" I asked Brother Haines.

"No, don't do that. I don't think that's your problem."

After much discussion, here are some things he pointed out and I realized:

1) There are some things that occur in my parents' relationship that bring me comfort in my own dating life. Though that isn't necessarily bad, some of those things are really bad for me. Things that hurt me. Like emotional distance. I sometimes rationalize away my boyfriends that are emotionally unavailable because their behavior mimics my dad's... however, my dad isn't emotionally distant from me (anymore). So it creates a false sense of security. Bienvenue chez Felipe.

2) Though I initially shy away from men who remind me of Ben Pitman, once in a relationship with them, I find comfort in the similarities. I decided yesterday that in some way, that comfort stems from my desire to go back and fix what happened between us. Though there is not a SINGLE thing I could do to fix that situation, if one emotionally distant man would fall in love with me and marry me, then it would "dispell" all my insecurities from that experience. Well, probably not really, but subconciously that's what I feel. Isn't that soooo INTERESTING????  Brother Haines found my deduction interesting and said that now that I'm aware, then it will be easier to avoid.

3) I was always bugged by some of the things Felipe said or did, but didn't know why. Until this weekend. Here's an example of something that bothered me: He never once said, "Kacey, you're amazing," or "You're wonderful," or "you're great." It was always, "Kacey, you're an amazing person," or "you're a wonderful person," or "You're a great girl." 

Can you see the difference?  It's completely detached!  By not saying things directly and specifically about me to me, it kept a HUGE emotional distance between us.

THAT DRIVES ME BONKERS!

So Brother Haines gave me the challenge to pay attention to how people say things and not what they're saying exactly. Does how they say something show a controlling person? An emotionally distant one? Or maybe someone who seeks closeness as much as I do?

And that was the most profound discovery of them all yesterday: "Kacey, you need someone who can be as emotionally close and intimate as you can be. And your kids need that too.  Remember, you're picking for them too."

So, moral of the story is: I've GOT to find a man who is emtionally available. One who wants to, and CAN be, as emotionally close as I can/am.

Maybe this all sounds cray cray. Oh well. I thought it was very eye opening.  And it makes me feel better about not being with Felipe anymore. Though I love him, and he is wonderful, he isn't able to be what I need. And vice versa, I'm sure.  I'm not perfect.


On other notes, I miss Texas and boy-o's sooo much! Payton, I wish you could come over and play with my dog! And Derek, I keep the acorn you gave me in my pocket. It's my little talisman at work.

And yes.

I'm not so secretly in love with Colin Morgan.

Especially when he uses his real accent.

If a dream is a wish your heart makes, what's a nightmare?

I've had two very vivid nightmares this week about the musical that I'm in. The first nightmare was that during one of our rehearsals an alien invasion occurred. We had to try and escape by pretending to be one of them (I know, super original). We joined a wagon train of circus preformers and then got hearded into the woods. I was in a small cabin packed with people. I knew that if we followed their instructions they would leave us alone. The only problem was that one of my guys from work, who refuses to listen to ANY instructions, was there.  I kept trying to get him to stay in the room so the aliens wouldn't blow us to smithereens. It didn't work. I woke up.

The next nightmare was... wednesday night? Yeah. I dreamt that Chelsea was tired of some people showing up for some rehearsals but not all of them, so she said that the entire cast would run the entire show every night. It was miserable. Then more people dropped out, so I had to do a waltz with Brother Haines and then a ballet number with Roshanak. Everyone had great costumes but me. In fact, there was this great balliwood number than Chelsea decided to add in and their costumes were PHENOMENAL! I was so jealous. That is until one of the married cast members brought her children to practice and ravens came down and tried to eat her baby. Super scary, right? I was wigged out.

So, Chelsea. I don't hate the play. I apparently worry that it will attract aliens and scary birds. And please don't make me do a waltz with Brother Haines.

I'm not dead...

Apparently Mom tried to call me like three times since Christmas. It wasn't until Sunday night that I actually saw that I received a call from her. Yeah. My phone hates me. Felipe's phone hates me too... at least I used to think so.  I'm starting to believe that it's all my phone's fault... for example, he won't get half my texts.  Here's a story from Sunday night that illustrates that perfectly:

My toothache was at its worst. I was bawling, almost drowning out the neices' bawling in the room next to mine. Dustin and Tara tried to figure out some remedies, when I text Felipe "Do you have consecrated oil?" I HATE asking for blessings. And Felipe was in a meeting, so I hate texting him while he's busy. I don't know why, I just do. Dustin didn't have any oil, and I knew that in a desperate situation he could give me a blessing without it. But Felipe promptly texted back, "Yes I do." I sent him a text saying that I needed a blessing ASAP because I was in terrible pain and none of the medication I'd downed was helping. Twenty minutes later, I was still waiting for a reply. I start crying for a whole new reason thinking I've somehow offended him by asking for a blessing and I'm so stupid and my prayers should be enough and blah blah blah. Despair. It's amazing how quickly I reach that point when I'm in massive pain. Anyway, the stuff Dustin got me started helping so I text him and say "never mind. It's going to be fine." Fifteen minutes after that I get a call from Felipe. In a cheerful voice he says, "SO who needs the oil?"

"Are you serious?"

"Uhhh, yes...."

"I did."

"You?"

"You didn't get my texts did you..."

"Nope..."


Yeah. I'm starting to think it's my phone that's defective. The moral of the story is, if it's an emergency, even if he's in a meeting, I'm supposed to call him if I need a blessing. He says no matter what. Okay. Lesson learned. Never trust the phone.

Funny story though, Clove oil was the thing that made my excruciating pain go away. I tried major pain killers, including benzocaine (liquid orajel). But onle eugenol (a.k.a clove oil) did anything significant. I'm all for trying natural things. But holy moley, I never expected an oil to help that much that instantly! This does explain, however, why I think that cloves taste like the dentist.

Hahahaha, our dog totes licked my plate of crush cloves. We know because he had this aweful look of horrer on his face as he stuck his tongue out like fifty times. Serves him right for getting on the counter and trying to steal food.

Life is good right now. I'm trying to improve my relationships with those at work. I'm also trying to have more charity. Gosh, for someone who loves to love people, I have a seriously hard time being charitable with those I see on a regular basis. 

AND OH EM GEE!  I'm leaving for Texas in a WEEK!!!  WHO'S EXCITED????  I'M EXCITED!!!!!!!!

Oh, here's another funny story from this week. I've been posting pictures of opal engagement rings (anyone who knows me knows that I don't want a diamond, I want an opal) on pinterest. Mom told Dad. She said he had a small heart attack. She waited a bit before she told him, "Allan. Don't worry.  She's done this a couple times before."

"Mom. You know I've been doing this since my engagement broke off. I told myself I'd never settle for a ring I hate again."

"Oh I know," she said slyly. "But don't tell Dad that..."

No, I'm not engaged. Felipe and I have not talked about marriage. I just don't want to be surprised with a ring that I don't like again. In fact yesterday I told Felipe that if we got engaged not to get me a ring; I wanna help pick that out. Instead, I said "Get me a Portuguese grammar book. That'll show that you REALLY want me around for eternity." He laughed. I looked at him seriously and said, "No. Really. I want to help pick it out. If I have to buy it myself to get the ring I want, so be it. Get me the text book."

Anyway. Lunch is almost over. I'd better be off.

Au revoir!

Magnificent Magnets and Scary Slacklining

"Kacey. This is Joanne. Tom's mom."

Tom's mom? She never calls in...

"Hi, Joanna! What can I do for you?"
"What happened yesterday?"
"What?"
"What happened yesterday? Tim had tears in his eyes, crying until he fell asleep that he didn't get to see you yesterday."
"He did get to see me. I didn't spend all day with him, I have other people that I needed to take care of, but he saw me for quite a bit of time."
"Well why is he so upset?"
"Joanna, I have no idea."
"I don't want him coming home upset."
"I'll do my best to make sure he gets all the time he needs."
"Thank you."
click!

Cassie walks up to me.
"What was that all about?"
"Heaven only knows."

Work.  Since we changed the structure of the program one of my individuals (well all of them actually, but he's the only one that makes such a big fuss about it) has been feeling neglected. I want you all to know that the amount of attention I give him is no less than before. He just gets... seperation anxiety I guess.  I've now worked out a system with him that if he doesn't talk about me and participates in the activity I'll spend some one on one time with him.  It seems to be working.  I wonder if it works with kids... I'll have to test that out someday... Today he asked me to go to lunch with him again. Last week I said no. This week I said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that very much. You'll have to ask him first." That seemed to shut him down for a bit. We'll see how long it lasts.

Speaking of my boyfriend... I spent some time with him and his family last weekend. His dad makes me smile. We're very similar. Sometimes we'll get talking and Felipe will zone out. And if I'm around when he calls Felipe, he now asks to speak to me. Sunday night he just made my day: He was talking about the photos he put up on facebook and how all his family teased that I was his new girlfriend. He laughed and said "If I was twenty four I would grab you up so fast! No one would have a chance to date you because I would marry you so fast!" I laughed and said "Pass that word along, okay Kleber? Pass that along..."  He laughed and said he would. He makes me laugh.

The other night I went over to Felipe's house and just hung out. I'm tired of being home alone. With no West or Michayla, my life is sad and lonely. So I'll just go over to people's houses and do nothing. Felipe was winding down, so we watched this revealing magician's secrets show. Every time he paused and gave me a chance to guess how they did it. I said "Magnets!" like six times. He always laughed and said, "no, not magnets." After I went home, I guess he saw two tricks that used magnets. He made sure I got to watch them later. I told him we should run away and be magicians.  I think I've got him half convinced to do it...

Friday night was especially lonely. Felipe was at his capeoira class, and I just didn't want to be alone. So I ran over to Chelsea's apartment. We had a nice printing excursion and I diagnosed her with some physical manifestations of her stress. Afterwards she said, "You know, you live so far away, you should just sleep here.  We'll give you some blankets." Liz gave me some pants and I fell asleep while they watched Smallville. I dreamt about zombies I think. Oh, no, I dreamt about Dutch Jews and public pools in the 60's. And Saint Bernards. Yup. That's what couches do to me. But it was fun. I'm glad they let me do that. I might try and do it this Friday again.

Sunday was extraordinary because Felipe actually got to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting. The other ward was so depleted that we were combined, but they hosted. So he got to sit with the congregation! It was soooo... strange. I didn't hardly know how to sit next to him. I ended up mostly ignoring him (sorry, Babe). Of course, that was before he viciously elbowed me in the back while trying to get a pen from my hand. After that there was no ignoring. There was war. It was twenty minutes past the normal time that the meeting ends, so I thought it was fair enough.

Last night I rushed home to check my phone (cause I left it at home) and asked Felipe if we were hanging out that day. (We're both booked for the rest of the week.) He said yes and "dress warm. Sporty warm." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? He gets to my place and says, "Hurry! We've got to do this before the sun sets!" "What am I supposed to wear??" "Not that." "No jeans?" "No jeans." "Boots or tennis shoes." "Those-" he said, pointing to my sketchers. "Okay."

What was the big hurry? Felipe was taking me slack lining. He set it all up in the trees next to my apartment. Slack lining... it's like tight rope walking. I looked at him like he was crazy and said, "No way, Felipe." He laughed. My face didn't change as I stated, "I will die."

"It's two feet off the ground. You're not going to die."
"If anyone can manage it, I can. Do not underestimate my powers of bad luck."

It ended up being fine. I didn't die. Felipe showed me some sweet tricks. I almost fell a couple times. Then I had to one up myself when he said it was easier barefoot by stripping off my socks and shoes, crossing the snow, and jumping on the rope. I'm proud of me.

So, life is boring right now. Good. But boring.

Now all I need to do is think of a great name for our new magic show...