Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Ode to Kimberly Jorgensen

One of my very bestest friends is coming home from her mission tomorrow.  In order to celebrate this, I have decided to post some of the moments we nominated were our best.  Other missionaries were not harmed in the making of these memories... but they were often complicit! 

"I peed on the tracks today.  Like a man."

"Why am I not married???  Look what I can do with my tongue! ... I'm so glad I said that to you and not an Elder..."

The awkward hug/ bise moment, parts one and two.  PLUS: "Je crois qu'iil est un peu seul..."

"Mongolia?  I haven't heard that one before.  What do they speak there?"

"I firmly believe you don't have to try with Alencon.  They are so coince'd out there, they'd fall in love with a brick wall."

"Eve ate the fruit, then she shared it with her husband.  And then people stopped sharing."

"I'm going to freaking find out who created this world!... Elder Gardner, you are officially invited to our companionship study!"

(Elder Gardner is home too!!!!!!!)

"I don't put plastic wrap next to laundry detergent, but French people do.  I'm American.  I don't understand."

"You were optimistic about my sense of style.  I have a hard time buying cute things like pins.  Honestly I have a hard time committing to buying a q-tip."

Kim: We can't really see his bed when we teach.  So that helps.
Me: I know!  My bed is like... no man's land!

"I don't like yogurt with fruit lumps in it."

"I've been doing this for 18 months.  I feel it like an old woman feels 70 years of childbirth in her hips."

"I'm going to try and pull a horse thing and sleep standing up."

"They're all freaking TOURISTS!"

"No!  I don't smell like a homeless flower!"

"I'm not schizophrenic.  If I was I wouldn't know it."

Me: You know that means you won't get married till you're 30.
Draleau: UGH I KNEW IT!
Me: Marry a young girl so you can have your big family.
Draleau: I'm just going to start popping them out as fast as I can when I get home.
Me: Elder, you won't be the one popping them out.
Draleau: Well... okay.  That's true.  I'll just be, I don't know, popping them in?
Me: WHAT?????
Gardner: Oh my.  At least he's the same in public as he is in private.

Me: Why are they in the same mission?
Kim: Because Will and Grace said so!

"How about when Christ goes to the Americas and they put their hands and feet in His side?"

"Sometimes I say to myself, 'Dear Heavenly Father...'"

"I'm a terrible slut.  I'm a crap hooker."

"Compte tastes familiar because heaven is familiar."

"I have really bad depth perception when it comes to height."

Wendy: Even Mormons have missed the mark on the Word of Wisdom.  There was a general authority who came and spoke in Versailles.  After his talk, he handed out candy to the children!  Even AFTER I told him "Diabetes is an epidemic in AMERICA!"
Kim: (an hour later at the bus stop): I'm sorry we eat candy.
Me: I know!  I eat candy like ten times a day!

"I'm far too dysfunctional far too often."

"I have yet to burn holes through my armpits."

"I'm not worried about him seeing my clothing.  The man sees me dressed all the time."

Gardner: I just want to sit down with Remy in front of a computer and be like, "Okay, Remy.  Let's go." *sigh*

Me: On the way over we'll call the elders, and by we I mean you.
Kim: You don't want to talk to them?
Me: I'd love to, but you did so well last night.  Did you hear me over there?  I yelled "suck it!" like five times.  Obviously I'm not equipped to handle the phone.

Me: Look!  TWO dragonflies!... their butts are touching...
Kim: ...
Me: Are they..?
Kim: Yup.
Me: Oh...

Kim (holding her glasses like four inches away form her face): See.  This is my real prescription. 
Me: Then why do you wear them so close to your face?

Frere Jeanson kept introducing himself to her... even on her 12th week...

"If God said, 'Don't clip your toenails,' you don't.  You don't ask, 'why?'  You just DO IT!"

"Remy's like a blind date set up by God.  Here's a name, number and address.  Now... GO!"

"Soeur Barros!  He's coming home to the perfect 'How to begin teaching!'"

Draleau: Elder Gardner, Soeur Barros wants to know if there's anything you could do in Paris, what would it be?
Gardner: Soeur Barros, Soeur Barros, Soeur Barros...
Draleau: He's just shaking his head and saying, "Soeur Barros" over and over again.  I don't know exactly what that means...

"Yeah, if I was a smoker, I'd light up after that bus ride too."

"I don't know how to breathe and think at the same time."

"I'm going to marry an RM, someone like Remy, or a mentally handicapped person..."

"I love doing scandalous ones, like Catholic priests."
(That last one is horrible taken out of context.  I was talking about contacting.  And yes, I thought it was both scandalous and satisfying to contact catholic priests.)

"I can just see us in the preexistence.  'No.  This is the Kim, Kacey, Remy club.  You can't come in.  This is our tree house in the Tree of Life.'"

"I'm pretty sure Eglon could eat Reuben's spider.  There is only one way Eglon got to be that size and it's not by eating leaves.  I've seen what eating salad does to people."

Kim: If we have nothing to do when we live together, we should watch YouTube videos.
Me: NO!  I need to look for my husband.
Kim: Maybe he's on YouTube!

Me: I could actually see myself being a very immature spirit.  Really!  I could see myself um.... looking for my husband............
Kim: That's it?
Me: Hang on.  I'm thinking.  It's just hard to think of other stuff I'd be doing...

Kim: Okay.  Red roses.  Hmmmm... what do you think about pearls?
Me: Orange roses!
Kim: Orange roses?

This one's for Draleau... Oh she held it over my head forEVER:
"His freckles seduced me today!  I really feel like an Amish person getting turned on by ankles."

Then I had some hearing issues...
Kim: You can't be an average missionary unless you let go of your strengths.
Me: Unless you wear fishnets?

Kim: I don't have anything to wear.
Me: You don't have white underwear?

"If a bug flies into my Neosporin, get it out, okay?"

"In the states, asking if someone is believing could mean anything.  They could believe in a cat.  But asking someone if they are religious is more like Christian, Muslim, Japanese.  Japanese just became a religion apparently."

And finally, my biggest fear that Kim found hilarious:

"I don't know what it's like to just meet someone and become friends.  I've had assigned friends for 16 months!"

I love you Kim.  I just might call your mom's cell tomorrow to yell how much I love you at you.


Preextistence bffs.


Victoria said...

Oh. Em. Gee. I laughed and laughed at this one. So funny, especially because you explained most of them to me. I loved this.


Kacey Kate said...

I know. Kim had a field day with the dragonflies... she was like "YOU wanted to be the scientist!! Did you miss fourth grade or something???"

Kacey Kate said...
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