Saturday, May 5, 2012

There's a place for us...

I wish I knew why that song is stuck in my head.  It just is.

Okay, I am going to try and (fairly) briefly explain why I shut down my facebook for a week.  And yes, it'll only be for a week because I can only keep in contact with my members and converts in France through facebook. As sad as I am about turning that thing back on.

Here's the thing.

I don't like that I look at other people's pages.  I mean, I know that's the point really.  But I'm someone who compares myself and my lack of progress to others A LOT.  And seeing some things on facebook just eggs on that sad and destructive habit.  So that is reason number one.  I'm hoping to see that if I don't have facebook to look at, I'll get out of the habit of mentally comparing myself to others.  I predict that the need to compare lives will decrease.

Another reason: I want to see if it makes me happier.  If I become more productive.  I won't get lost looking at friends/ family members' lives for who knows how long.  I didn't check my facebook the whole time I was in Washington, and I was fine.  It's because I was busy doing things, enjoying my days, instead of searching for joy elsewhere.  Sadly, all my mission buddies are not around, so a large part of my socializing is through messages and posts with these people.  But... well, that leads me to my final reason:

I want people to talk to me.  I have friends (and you KNOW who you are) who are considered close friends.  But they rarely talk to me.  Phone calls and texts are just too much for them or something.  And I believe part of it is because my life is exposed on facebook.  They don't have to talk to me if they can click on a webpage and see what's going on in my life.  It breaks my heart a little bit.  I can think of two people specifically that I wish would call me.  I've called them.  I've texted them.  But... I hardly get anything from them in regard. I'll get like a comment, or a "like" from them on facebook.  That does NOT suffice any longer.  If you are my friend, you will show an interest in me, and not just what's going on in my life.  I try to do that with others.  But it's not super recriprocated by some who I value greatly.  And it kills.  YOU.  If you are reading this (and I'm almost positive you are), know that I am tired of putting forth effort with what seems like little in return.  If you don't want to talk to me, just tell me.  I'll stop asking how you are, or what's up.  I'll back off.  I'll go find new friends.  Where?  Heaven knows.  I don't.  But I'll do it.  Because one sided things just doooooonnnn't do it for me anymore.  I want REAL friends.  Not fairweather friends.

Bref.  Does that seem harsh?  I hope not.

So even though I'll be turning it back on within the week, I hope that this strongly decreases my use of it.  I want to be happier.  I want to have real friendships.  And I don't want my status in life to be determined by how many friends I have on facebook, or who my friends are on facebook.

It's all become a little silly in my life.  I don't think facebook is evil or bad.  I think I need a break.  That's all. I'm not judging anyone who loves facebook-- cause I do like it a LOT.  Again, we just need to take "a break".

Well.  There's the introduction to my experiment.

avec amour,



Dyanna Stephens said...

I know the feeling. Sometimes, facebook makes me feel like I don't have real friends either... but it is convenient for keeping in contact with long distance friends. Good luck with your experiment.

Sarah said...

Wow...I was just crying (literally) to Brandon tonight about my lack of friends and how FB makes it all worse because I can connect to them (and vice versa) by looking at statuses but we're not really connecting. I've lost friends. It sucks. I am sad.