To Whom it May Concern

28 septembre 2012

To whom it may concern:

Hi babe.  I know I don't know you yet, but I felt like writing to you anyway.  Why?  Because I've had some big thoughts lately.  Uh oh, big thoughts.  Yeah, I know.  But they need sharing.

Today was rough.  This whole week has been rough.  It has taken every ounce of will power and some tender mercies from God to get through it and still love my job.  It's been a combination of being short staffed at work, demanding individuals, and my personal life running amok with my emotions.  I could run through a bazillion true scenarios that happened this week, but I have no desire to relive them.  Don't get me wrong-- there have been some amazing experiences this week.  While work has been frustrating, tense, and demanding, I've also had some rewarding realizations as well.  But those... I'll tell those to you in person.  I told my mom over the phone last night, and it just didn't have the same impact it did when I told Felipe in person.  Yeah, I know.  So, I'll share those special things with you later.  Just remind me to tell you.

I've had a lot of interactions with the Spirit this week.  I believe a large part of that was triggered by my trials.  I love how difficulties do that, whether consciously or subconsciously.  I also had the chance to see the Spirit tell me and another person the same thing.  Wow, I haven't experienced that since... since Olympia.  Also, another story.  If you really want to know, ask me about it.

Anyway.  I broke today at work.  I swore.  I never curse.  But I cursed today.  It was a plethora of things, which basically boiled down to my coworkers being inconsiderate, my workload being endlessly added upon, and my individuals that I serve being beyond their normal demanding.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  At two p.m. I finally had a chance to go to the bathroom, at which point I cried.  Yes, I sat on the toilet and cried my little stressed heart out.  But only for a minute, because I still had work to do with my individuals before they went home.  

The worst part was, one of my supervisors just got back on Thursday from three days off.  While she was gone, work was MUCH harder and we ALL had tons more to do. She didn't see that, of course.  But she felt the need to criticize and yell at us all day.  Hmmm, yell isn't the right word.  Guilt trip?  Yeah.  She was critical and full of guilt to dish out.  It made me want to scream.  She didn't see how much we all had on our plates and how we were all doing the very best we could with what we had.  She didn't see how discouraging and deceptive her comments and demands were.  She didn't see that I tried to run every time I saw her come near my part of the department.  She didn't see me kneeling next to one of my individuals and say, "Look, I know you're feeling crappy cause you're on your period, but so am I, okay? I know you're tired.  Me too.  And I know you can't speak.  But please try to keep your yelling down to a minimum, okay?"  My voice broke at this last part.  I was asking her not to communicate in one of the few ways she can just so my senses didn't overload.  She grabbed my hand and put it on her shoulder, a gesture she does often, in an attempt to prompt me to rub her back.  I smiled through the hellish stress, rubbed her back, and said, "Please, girlie.  This is my only request."

After all this, and after several hours of thought, I had some realizations.  One- my job is hard.  I love my job.  But it's hard.  And no amount of criticizing or encouraging is ever going to change the difficulty of my job.  I don't do my job because it's easy.  I do it because I believe in its power and validity.  I do it because I believe that I am making the world a better place by doing it, and completing my responsibilities to the best of my abilities.  I do it because I love and care about these individuals.  Oh how I love them.  When one individual's mother told me that she can't believe her son calls me by my name because he won't even call his sister by her name... oh my heart soared.  And when another individual who is normally prickly and violent grabs my hand to hold it while he sits quietly and waits for the bus... I want to sing out in joy.  Literally.  When I see one of my girls complete her training WELL, even if it's only once out of the five times a day we do it, I feel so proud and giddy it's ridiculous.  That's why I do my job.  It wasn't until today that I realized that my job is hard, no matter what.  And knowing that lightens my soul.  Why?  Because I know that I can do my job well, no matter what an irritated supervisor says or does.  I know that I am a blessing to this company no matter what any of my friends say.  I know that I am doing good, no matter how tired or stressed or PMSy I am.

Secondly-- I realized that this is going to happen again, but in a different context.  Like I said earlier, I don't know you yet, but I love you deeply.  So remember that I love you when I say that I know you're going to be that angry supervisor some days.  What do I mean?  I know your job won't be all peaches and cream.  And I know there'll be days that you might get jealous that I'll be at home with the kids.  And I know there'll be times that when you get home all you can think about is how crappy your day was, and why can't the house just be clean, or the kids be calm, or fed, or bathed?  Why do you have to come home and take control?  Babe-- I'll be doing my best.  And that job is a hard one, no matter what anyone says.  But I do it. Why?  Because I love it.  Because I believe in it.  I am not perfect, and I know I won't be a satisfactory wife and mother every day-- haha, probably NEVER-- but I will be doing my best.  And I'd appreciate it if you didn't criticize.  Don't forget that I'll already be getting criticism from a lot of other sources.  People ask why I have so  many children.  Why don't I work?  Why don't I have my own life?  I get that from every angle.  I don't need to get that from you too.  So all I ask is a simple thing: I don't think your day is peaches and cream.  I don't expect you to be immediately and completely satisfied with the state of our home.  But I do expect you to love me and respect my job.  Respect and support me.  I'm your help meet.  You're not my supervisor-- you're my coworker.  Remember that I appreciate everything you do for us.  Remember that I love you more than you can ever imagine.  And I think, with all that in mind, things will be just a tiny bit easier.

I wish I knew who you were.  I'm working very hard to find you.  I'm putting myself out there, trying to improve myself, and trying to follow the Spirit.  I'm doing everything in my power to get to you.  But I am limited.  I am only one half of the equation.

I hope we are desperately in love.  How badly I want to be in love again.  I have found that it is easier for me to respect and admire a man than to love him.  But my heart yearns to love and be loved.  Please-- romance me.  Don't make our marriage a fulfillment of a commandment and that's all.  Make it an adventure.  Make it full of love, and fun, and chemistry, and respect.  Make it a relationship worth perpetuating beyond the grave.  If you promise to do that, then I promise to do the same.

Sigh.

I will wait, I will wait for you.

Dear whomever you might be, I'm still waiting patiently.

Love,

Kacey

So that's why I came home giggling....

Today's cast of characters is:
Tom
Betty
Sam
Bill
Lydia
Janice

Just FYI- these aren't their real names. For confideniality reasons, I can't use their real names. 

1.

Linda (one of my coworkers): And that's all I have to show from Japan.  Now we're going to talk--
Tom: About SAFETY!
Linda:... No, Tom, we're not going to talk about safety. We're going to talk about Japan some more.  But thank you for wanting to be safe.
Tom: Let's do a fire drill!

2.

Karen, an SRC coordinater, walks through the lunch room yesterday.  Tom yells "Have a good Christmas!"  Cassie, one of my coworkers, looks over at Tom.  Tom smiles and says, "Have a good Halloween!"  Cassie says, "Yes, Tom, that one is a little bit closer."

3.

Sam tries to cuddle with me while we wait for the bus at the end of the day.  He used to walk away every time he saw me.  Now we're BFF's.

4.

I sneeze while standing by my table.  20 feet away, and from inside the bathroom, Betty yells "Bless you!"  Twice.

5.

Lydia was getting in another individual's face.  I walk over to break up her obvious tyraid.
Me: Lydia, you need to go sit down.
Lydia: He has lots of girlfriends, you know.
Me: Oh really.
Lydia: Oh yes.  I stepped on the bus and found one!

6.

This one needs a little preface.  At work we have small whiteboards on our bathroom doors.  We write the initials of the individual that is in them and the time they entered.  We do this for several reasons. 1) so Staff can see from across the room if the bathroom is taken. 2) Staff can deduce about WHEN the bathroom will open up. 3) So we don't forget an individual in the bathroom. 4) So we know where each individual is at all times. 

Well, Mike, my boss, was walking through the area and saw a small line for the bathroom.  Someone hadn't erased the last individual's initials off the door, so it looked like she was still in there... half an hour after she went in.  Mike, a little irritated that an individual had the bathroom for 30 minutes, especially when there is a line, shouts, "JANICE D. IS STILL IN THE BATHROOM?"
"YUP!" Janice D shouts.  From right behind Mike.  HAHAHAHAHA!  I nearly wet my pants.

7.

Lydia: I feel like a tire going round and round on a wheel.

What does that even mean?

8.

These are the pompom chickens the guys at my table made.  Awesome.

Yes.  Tom picked the smallest head and the biggest googely eyes to go with it.  And Bill is my big friendly giant, it's no mistake that his yellow chicken actually looks like him.

9.

Whenever Bill leaves the bathroom without washing his hands, I immediately tell him to go back and wash them.  This morning, anticipating my interrogation, he sees me, smiles, and turns right back around into the bathroom.

10.

Betty asks me what I'm doing tonight.  Every two minutes.  I've never felt more pressure to have a social life in my entire life.


Anyway, just a few  fun experiences from this past week.  I love my job.

Happy National Chicken Month!

Today has been one of those days where... there's not ONE thing wrong.  Just a bunch of... little things.  Not only a bunch, but more like a gazillion.  I woke up early to do some sun salutations (my body has been super tense so it's a part of my new routine), but forgot that I had to take West out this morning.  So I brushed my teeth while West ran around and peed on everything (he now owns half the apartment complex).  Then I bolted out the door to try and get to work on time.  I decided to make some tea, comme d'hab, but the hot water wasn't working.  Not only that, but once I got it to work, I decided to try a NEW tea. Today was not a good day to do that.  I ended up throwing the cup out it was so abrasive. Anyway...

One of my guys yells loudly to communicate.  Usually I can deal with it.  Today it just grated my ability to think.  Then another one of my guys threw his drink on the ground.  And another one didn't want to eat the honeydew for snack.  Then I was in charge of an activity, and as soon as I opened my mouth, the entire crowd of people started talking, yelling, making incoherent noises.  So I shut my mouth.  They stop talking.  I open it again and it's like a TRIGGER.  Not only that, but one of my guys has been talking incessantly about Christmas.  "Are we having a Christmas party?" "Yes, in December." "So on June 21st we're having a Christmas party." "No, in December." "Christmas is just around the corner!" 

I breathe deeply and decide to proceed with caution.

Then.  We have staggered lunches, shoot me, and I'm on the last lunch. Not only that, but no one tells me until right before lunch time that the guys are eating in Skills, not in the lunch room.  Now my only issue with that is instead of 12 microwaves we only have two.  Well, one and a half, because one is utter CRAP.  Bref.  So I am stuck in the kitchenette of Skills trying to heat up forty lunches with one and a half microwaves.  It's exhausting.  Then I go back to my table and see that the guy who threw his drink that morning had just thrown his milk all over the floor and my chair.  The man next to him decides to inform us all that he's ready for the Christmas party and Christmas presents. I lost it. 

I went off in French. "Qu'est-ce que c'est?! Pourquoi est-ce que vous m'embettez comme ca?" (I say vous because they all were driving me nuts) I bent over and started to wipe up the floor. "Vous aimez me faire du mal?  Parce que j'ai l'impression que vous me detestez aujourd'hui! S'IL VOUS PLAIT, laissez-moi!"

Silence.

For like a second.

The first person to speak was.... "So, Christmas is right around the corner, Kacey."


I just stared at him as he ran through his speech about a Christmas party in June.  By the time he got back to "Christmas is just around the corner," I just giggled.  Oh how ridiculous was my anger.  My fatigue, however, was very real and felt by three other staff.  We just got on lunch and Heaven help us get through the afternoon.

Anyway.  I love it.  I'm just ready for a nap.

Yay naps!

Last night I saw Felipe's capeoira class.  It was like dancing.  In jello.

Wow I'm seriously tired.  Dancing in jello is a very inept way to describe capeoira.  But I don't care.  I'm just gunna sit here and down a can of Coke.

Judge me now.

No matter how you heart is dreaming, if you keep on believing...

The dream that you wish will come true.

Heavens help us if last night's dream comes true.


Had another crazy dream. I went on another mission. To Las Vegas. Apparently Vegas is north of Reno in my dream, and you take a train to get there.  I get on with my family, and when I report to the mission home I see a TON of my Paris Missionary Bud's, including Elder Draleau and Soeur Cope.  Soeur Cope was great, hanging around me, helping me get used to stateside missionary work.  She also told me about this big conference that we have where we pick which color Power Ranger we are.  Uhm, what? Yup, that's right.  I found out that all the "missionaries" that were with me were all RM's, and this whole "2nd mission" thing was a cover for our REAL mission- Power Rangers. Ohhhhh yes.  I tried to be the pink ranger, but Cope said she already picked that one.  So I was the Magenta Ranger. Slightly less cool.  Anyway, there were four of us in this helicopter at one point, me, Draleau, Cope, and some other elder, and our job was to jump out of the helicopter into a raging river.  Oh heeeeeck no.  I screamed and said "NOT ON YOUR LIFE!" so they slowed down over a small lake and we all hopped out.  I did a sweet dive while wearing my amazing pink swimsuit (I really do love this swimsuit, it has now made two distinct appearances in my dreams) and then we got to work: we were infiltrating this sketchy company.  While undercover as tourists, we discovered why this company was so sketch- they kidnapped people and harvested all their organs!  And stuff like their arms and feet and shiz like that! In fact, all the employees had at least one limb missing, and their prosthetic limbs were all crappy.  By the time the tour ended, I figured out that the main source of the organs were tourists, just like us.  That was confirmed when I saw that Draleau was missing. I told the group that I was bookin' it back into the factory to find Ben (Draleau). But the group tried to stop me because I called him Ben, which obviously meant that we had an inappropriate relationship.  I tried to remind them that none of us were actually missionaries, and that it didn't matter what I called him because all his organs were going to be harvested! The group then got into this debate about how lame my animal was-- a dolphin, can't say I really liked my animal either-- but I told them to stuff it. Cope came with me and we snuck back into the factory.  We found Draleau and started to sneak him out right when I woke up.

C'est fou ca.


Anyway. So. I'm sitting here on Michayla's computer because mine crashed.  Just like my CAR! Ha. Hahahaha. Yup.  I just shelled out $680 to fix my car.  Well, luckily Mom and Dad lent me a big chunk on that money, but still.  Doesn't that seem excessive? obviously not because my computer wanted to crap out too.  But oh well.  At least it lasted as long as it did.  And my car has much more pep than before, which is good.

Thanks to all who replied to my last post.  It has helped me.  In fact, I am still dating afore mentioned guy.  We'll see what happens.  I dunno.  I just get SUCH anxiety about dating.  It's been this way since my mission when Heavenly Father gave me an unsolicited Denial.  I'm like, "What if that happens again?  Why should I date if God could at any time say, 'nope, not that one'?"  Why?  Because that's what dating's for.  There was this one time I was talking to Ben, yup the one from my dream, and I was expressing this same anxiety.  And  he laughed and said, "It seems you have finally figured out the purpose of dating."  Indeed.  And it's fun, right?  Not just anxiety ridden?  Yes.  Yes Kacey it is.  Remember, it's been nearly six weeks that you've been going on dates with this boy.  Don't discount the fact that despite all your doubts, you still like him enough to keep dating him, and have awkward DTR's and putting yourself out there because you don't always understand his cultural issues.  Yup.

Anyway.  That's my post for the day.  I hope you enjoyed.

I don't mean to complain and all

Sigh. Let me start off with my dream.

And it was the opposite of what I asked for, btw. (yes, in my nightly prayers I tell Heavenly Father what I don't want in my dreams, eg scary nightmares, sad things and specific men).

I dreamt that He (an unmentioned male) thought he was in love with me.  "I just can't tell though, Kacey, because now there is this other girl, and she's making me all confused."  In my dream we hadn't seen each other for a while so that made sense. He gathered up all the letters we sent over the past few months, and studied them, like he was going to get an exam on them. I just watched. Until he said, "A bunch of us are going to lake Shasta" (is there even a lake shasta?) "and you should come.  It'll help me decide." SO I go, looking mighty fine in my pink swimsuit, and I see her- the other woman.  She's this petite blonde with short flippy hair and big blue eyes.  Why is the other woman always blonde?  Anyway, we hang out, I hit it off big with everyone in the group. But he sits in the corner and thinks, looking over and over at our letters.  In the end, I don't know who he picked- I woke up.  But it doesn't matter.  Because neither of us in real life is exactly-- available. Well, kinda. Anyway, that was my dream.

My question that I pose to the big wide universe is-- how much?  how much do I allow before I either cave or say something? I've met this guy (Ah! right?) and he's pretty much awesome.  We've gone out quite a few times over the past month, and we continue to see each other, but... anyway.  The events in my life have led me to ask the universe what is it I need to look for in my future spouse. Like, I know what I SHOULD look for, and said person totally has a ton of these VERY important and key qualities. But... like, what do I accept and what do I hope to see change? LIke one of the things I love most about my friendship with this guy is that we are similar in some very core ways, but we are pretty much different in every other way. And that makes it fun and exciting! But where do I draw the line? When does different go from exciting to irritating? When am I in the wrong, or when am I being wise?  I don't know.  Obviously this guy is in no rush to get engaged, so I really have time to figure it out. But I've never posed this problem to myself, or anyone else really. 

So there.  There is my short post for the day.  My lunch break is almost over.  And I am excited to get back to work.  I love my job.  Don't really know why, just-- I do.  I get warm fuzzies when I walk in to work every morning. Yay!