Friday, September 28, 2012

To Whom it May Concern

28 septembre 2012

To whom it may concern:

Hi babe.  I know I don't know you yet, but I felt like writing to you anyway.  Why?  Because I've had some big thoughts lately.  Uh oh, big thoughts.  Yeah, I know.  But they need sharing.

Today was rough.  This whole week has been rough.  It has taken every ounce of will power and some tender mercies from God to get through it and still love my job.  It's been a combination of being short staffed at work, demanding individuals, and my personal life running amok with my emotions.  I could run through a bazillion true scenarios that happened this week, but I have no desire to relive them.  Don't get me wrong-- there have been some amazing experiences this week.  While work has been frustrating, tense, and demanding, I've also had some rewarding realizations as well.  But those... I'll tell those to you in person.  I told my mom over the phone last night, and it just didn't have the same impact it did when I told Felipe in person.  Yeah, I know.  So, I'll share those special things with you later.  Just remind me to tell you.

I've had a lot of interactions with the Spirit this week.  I believe a large part of that was triggered by my trials.  I love how difficulties do that, whether consciously or subconsciously.  I also had the chance to see the Spirit tell me and another person the same thing.  Wow, I haven't experienced that since... since Olympia.  Also, another story.  If you really want to know, ask me about it.

Anyway.  I broke today at work.  I swore.  I never curse.  But I cursed today.  It was a plethora of things, which basically boiled down to my coworkers being inconsiderate, my workload being endlessly added upon, and my individuals that I serve being beyond their normal demanding.  I couldn't handle it anymore.  At two p.m. I finally had a chance to go to the bathroom, at which point I cried.  Yes, I sat on the toilet and cried my little stressed heart out.  But only for a minute, because I still had work to do with my individuals before they went home.  

The worst part was, one of my supervisors just got back on Thursday from three days off.  While she was gone, work was MUCH harder and we ALL had tons more to do. She didn't see that, of course.  But she felt the need to criticize and yell at us all day.  Hmmm, yell isn't the right word.  Guilt trip?  Yeah.  She was critical and full of guilt to dish out.  It made me want to scream.  She didn't see how much we all had on our plates and how we were all doing the very best we could with what we had.  She didn't see how discouraging and deceptive her comments and demands were.  She didn't see that I tried to run every time I saw her come near my part of the department.  She didn't see me kneeling next to one of my individuals and say, "Look, I know you're feeling crappy cause you're on your period, but so am I, okay? I know you're tired.  Me too.  And I know you can't speak.  But please try to keep your yelling down to a minimum, okay?"  My voice broke at this last part.  I was asking her not to communicate in one of the few ways she can just so my senses didn't overload.  She grabbed my hand and put it on her shoulder, a gesture she does often, in an attempt to prompt me to rub her back.  I smiled through the hellish stress, rubbed her back, and said, "Please, girlie.  This is my only request."

After all this, and after several hours of thought, I had some realizations.  One- my job is hard.  I love my job.  But it's hard.  And no amount of criticizing or encouraging is ever going to change the difficulty of my job.  I don't do my job because it's easy.  I do it because I believe in its power and validity.  I do it because I believe that I am making the world a better place by doing it, and completing my responsibilities to the best of my abilities.  I do it because I love and care about these individuals.  Oh how I love them.  When one individual's mother told me that she can't believe her son calls me by my name because he won't even call his sister by her name... oh my heart soared.  And when another individual who is normally prickly and violent grabs my hand to hold it while he sits quietly and waits for the bus... I want to sing out in joy.  Literally.  When I see one of my girls complete her training WELL, even if it's only once out of the five times a day we do it, I feel so proud and giddy it's ridiculous.  That's why I do my job.  It wasn't until today that I realized that my job is hard, no matter what.  And knowing that lightens my soul.  Why?  Because I know that I can do my job well, no matter what an irritated supervisor says or does.  I know that I am a blessing to this company no matter what any of my friends say.  I know that I am doing good, no matter how tired or stressed or PMSy I am.

Secondly-- I realized that this is going to happen again, but in a different context.  Like I said earlier, I don't know you yet, but I love you deeply.  So remember that I love you when I say that I know you're going to be that angry supervisor some days.  What do I mean?  I know your job won't be all peaches and cream.  And I know there'll be days that you might get jealous that I'll be at home with the kids.  And I know there'll be times that when you get home all you can think about is how crappy your day was, and why can't the house just be clean, or the kids be calm, or fed, or bathed?  Why do you have to come home and take control?  Babe-- I'll be doing my best.  And that job is a hard one, no matter what anyone says.  But I do it. Why?  Because I love it.  Because I believe in it.  I am not perfect, and I know I won't be a satisfactory wife and mother every day-- haha, probably NEVER-- but I will be doing my best.  And I'd appreciate it if you didn't criticize.  Don't forget that I'll already be getting criticism from a lot of other sources.  People ask why I have so  many children.  Why don't I work?  Why don't I have my own life?  I get that from every angle.  I don't need to get that from you too.  So all I ask is a simple thing: I don't think your day is peaches and cream.  I don't expect you to be immediately and completely satisfied with the state of our home.  But I do expect you to love me and respect my job.  Respect and support me.  I'm your help meet.  You're not my supervisor-- you're my coworker.  Remember that I appreciate everything you do for us.  Remember that I love you more than you can ever imagine.  And I think, with all that in mind, things will be just a tiny bit easier.

I wish I knew who you were.  I'm working very hard to find you.  I'm putting myself out there, trying to improve myself, and trying to follow the Spirit.  I'm doing everything in my power to get to you.  But I am limited.  I am only one half of the equation.

I hope we are desperately in love.  How badly I want to be in love again.  I have found that it is easier for me to respect and admire a man than to love him.  But my heart yearns to love and be loved.  Please-- romance me.  Don't make our marriage a fulfillment of a commandment and that's all.  Make it an adventure.  Make it full of love, and fun, and chemistry, and respect.  Make it a relationship worth perpetuating beyond the grave.  If you promise to do that, then I promise to do the same.


I will wait, I will wait for you.

Dear whomever you might be, I'm still waiting patiently.




Larsen Donelle said...

Just have faith Kacey! You're the coolest most amazing girl I have the greatest pleasure in being friends with. You are such a special woman and Heavenly Father is helping you grow so much through this. I especially know what it's like to be so overly stressed, sometimes I just tell Heavenly Father to stop trusting me so much. But in the end I see the good it was for. You will be the BEST wife for whoever that lucky guy will be. So be the great Kacey I know. And never forget I will always be there for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. Love you girl!!!

Sarah said...

good post...but, um, does this mean you are not dating "him" anymore? and does he know you have a blog?!

Karen said...

So. I got the thing about the Spirit when we talked. It is nice when someone else hears the same thing you do and you don't have to explain where it came from and why. Your job is hard and in many many ways just like being a mom except these "little children" will never grow up and that is a little heartbreaking at times. I love how you ended: I'll wait. That is the most reassuring thing of all. So much better than "I'll settle" or "This might be good enough". Wait for the real thing and the right thing. Go Kacey!